It's true

A friend of mine said you do a lot of soul searching whilst pregnant. How true that is. This whole pregnancy, I have done a lot of thinking, and it would be stupid to say, my mind hasn't stopped since I found out I was pregnant, obviously, because you are always thinking, but what I'm trying to get at is that I have just done so much thinking and soul searching, but at the same time, I still have a hard time believing I'm going to have a baby. It's so surreal to me. My miscarriages really turned me off to the thought of having children, and they really did take away the innocence of pregnancy away from me. I haven't truly been able to enjoy my pregnancy, because we've gone through so many miscarriages. While they were all early on, you never stop questioning things. It was really bad the first 23 to 24 weeks. I was terrrrrrified about losing out daughter or that their might be something genetically wrong with her or something. I would say, some of those are normally "mommy fears", but I drove myself crazy with these thoughts. So, even still, I ask myself are these rational or irrational thoughts? We've been through so many losses, I just cannot fully get myself to understand, okay you're having a baby, and soon.

I honestly believe I suffered and still possibly suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. I don't think some people realize, both those who have never experienced the loss of a child, and those who have, but don't recognize the symptoms of ptsd, just how bad it messes up a person. It really, REALLY messes you up. On top of that, try having doctors who didn't care about your losses, who continually let them happen, when all along you knew what the problem was, but they still insisted it was just due to 'bad luck'. Losing one is hard, losing 5... I'm not trying to measure pain, but when you go through that many losses, you die inside. I know that sounds awful, but it's true. You become so numb, so bitter, so angry, depressed.. no feeling is a good feeling. It's just a dark, lonely world to live in.

Of course I had the people who made the wrong comments you should just NEVER, EVER say to somebody who has lost a baby. Repeating them will do me no good though. While you may not understand when somebody loses a baby, try to empathize with them. The only thing that you should say to them is, " I'm sorry, I love you, and if you need me I'm always here." Don't try to justify why it happened, that is the wrong thing to say.

I had counseling, but we just weren't clicking. We were stationed in Germany when we had all of our miscarriages, and for some odd reason, they couldn't see me on base for counseling, so they sent me off base to a German counselor. She was a nice woman, but the language barrier was terrible. How am I supposed to relay to you how I feel, when you can't comprehend what I'm saying, vice versa? So, I stopped seeing her.

I don't want to leave the impression that I'm ungrateful I'm pregnant. That definitely is not the case, I'm only writing this because it's been on my mind lately. I am truly grateful I'm having my miracle baby. It has been a long, hard road, and I'm so happy to finally be this far. I am still scared something could happen, but I have been trying to live for today, to cherish each and every moment. I love my daughter and cannot wait to see her beautiful face.

Anyways, our 3rd wedding anniversary is this Sunday (Valentines Day). Tomorrow night we are taking my father in law to his sisters in Georgia, to stay for however long he wants to. We are going to stay one night and come back home after that. We don't really have much planned ( that I'm aware of). Unless he has something up his sleeve. I did actually go with the message in a bottle thing. It was nice, but the price was a bit much. I probably could have made it myself now that I think about it. He loved it though, and I'm glad he did. I love him so much.

I hope you all have a great rest of the week and a wonderful weekend.

2009 is nearing an end.

So, Christmas is over for another year. It came and went pretty quickly. It wasn't chaotic, really. We got some really nice things from family. My father in law and his wife sent us some nice things for the baby. We also got a really nice canvas photo of the Big Ben (they are stationed in England). Michael got a cheese and meat kit from his uncle Craig. We've definitely been munching on all of it. Anybody who sends food for a gift is a great uncle/friend lol. My secret santa sent me a 5 pack of receiving blankets for the baby and the thermometer I was wanting as well. It is universal. It has three attachments. One for underarm, oral, and well.. the one place nobody likes having their temperature taken lol. Michael's mom gave me some money for my birthday and some for Michael for Christmas. We are going out tomorrow to do some shopping. Michael's grandma and grandpa Wind sent me me a bath and body works set. And some home made goodies, which I ate in just about one sitting lol. food is really the way to my heart, especially whilst pregnant. Michael took me out on my birthday to Applebees. It was delicious. He also got me a beautiful jewelry box and a beautiful card to go along with it. Gizmo had a prety good Christmas too. He got a cute little stocking from my mom. It is shaped like a bone and has a place on the front where you can insert a picture, which we did. He got three toys from 'Santa Paws', and was definitely pleased with them. He wears himself out playing. He tries so hard to play with all three at the same time. My little multi-tasker. We all had a wonderful Christmas.

We had a guy from Michael's shop over for Christmas dinner. Michael helped so much the night before and Christmas day, bless his heart. The night before we made cheese balls, which turned out fabulous. I think Michael was pretty pleased about his cheese ball. We made one with pecans coating the outside, and he made his own, without. Both was so good. The next morning, I woke up at about 8, and made the brownies. I sprinkled powdered sugar over top of them to make them a little more "Christmasy". For dinner, I made Home made baked mac and cheese, ham, mashed potatoes, and yeast rolls. Everything turned out so well. We all hung out, ate, and watched a Myth Busters marathon. Neither of them seemed too adamant about watching Christmas movies lol. Oh well, I guess.

Also, Michael's grandpa Gribble suffered a heart attack last week, but thankfully he is okay. He was home just in time for Christmas. We love you guys! Get well soon.

I am now in my third and FINAL trimester. Some say between 26 and 28 weeks, but I'll say 27. It's in the middle, so it's perfect lol. I seem to get bigger everyday. I also believe the baby is head down now, which is where I am hoping she stays.

On the symptoms front: I have been having braxton hicks contractions just about everyday. I was getting 4 or 5 in one day. Which is normal, but that doesn't mean they are comfortable! My fatigue seems to be getting worse as well. I really haven't been too tired my whole pregnancy. I didn't experience fatigue in the beginning of my pregnancy like most women do. So, I guess I'm making up for it now. I have been experiencing a lot of heart palpitations the last few days. I know this can be normal for pregnant women, but with my anxieties, I definitely will be talking with my OB about it. Maybe an EKG wouldn't be a bad idea. I'd rather not chance anything. And last, but not least; SWELLING! My hands and feet have been swelling more than they ever really have. I drink plenty of water, so there isn't much more I can do. I pray these aren't the early staged of preeclampsia, because I am still having headaches and nausea. That too is worth mentioning when I see the doctor next Monday. I have my gestational diabetes test that day as well. I hope I pass.

Well, suppose I should get going. I'm going to eat what's left of the mashed potatoes and head to bed soon. Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and have a happy new year.

Names

Hello all, it still feels a day ahead to me. I'll just have to get used to these three day weekends.

Anywho, I am getting a bit anxious to give our little girl a name. I don't mind reffering to her as 'her', but I would like to decide on a name, and SOON. I have thrown out a few names, but it seems Michael is far more picky than me. I think it's easier picking a girls name than a boys. You just can't be to creative with boys names, in my opinion of course. The names, Braydan, Jaydan, Aidan, and Kaydan are so overused. They are no longer original. I almost don't even bother asking women what they named have named their sons because chances are it's one of these 4 names lol. I don't like extravagant names for boys or girls. I like simple names. Something simple. I honestly don't want to tell anybody what we are naming her, until she is born, but I think telling Family would be okay.. I guess. I just want some things to be a suprise, that's all.

I am going to be somebody who mothers by the heart rather than by the books. It's not like I won't take advice, but nobody ever needed a book to parent. No mother is perfect. I don't expect to be the perfect mother either. I do however have fears I won't be a good mom. Why is this? I'm sure these are rational fears every mom-to-be has, but it causes me sooo much anxiety. I'm not even scared about labor and delivery. That is the last thing on my mind, fear wise that is.

Well, I suppose I should get going. We are watching more Bond tonight. Have a good night everybody.