Something has been poking me in the side here lately, and I needed to blog about it.

I am aware that there are thousands if not millions couples who suffer infertility everyday. Infertility can rage from unexplained, to recurrent miscarriages.

Something that always bothered me was, You're only 18,19,20,21 years old, you have plenty of time to have a baby. EH, WRONG! After suffering numerous miscarriages, that proof enough for me that we were on a limited time frame. Or another was, " At least you can get pregnant" What the heck kind of comment is that? At least I can get pregnant? So, you're telling me, well, it's a good thing I got pregnant to lose 5-6 pregnancies? These comments usually came from OTHER women who were having infertility issues. So, you'd think out of everybody these people would be the most sensitive to our situation. Just because we went on to have a healthy baby, doesn't mean that will happen again, or that we won't go on to lose another 5 pregnancies.

In my opinion, while infertility ranges from mild to severe, it doesn't mean one person deserves a baby more than another. I think a lot of women, myself included at one point in time, romanticize what our future children will be like, and we don't ever think about the stuff in between. Why? That's human nature. When we want something, we don't worry about the other stuff.

Nobody is the perfect mom. I don't care who claims to be. I don't care if you cloth diaper, breastfeed, formula feed, make your baby food, wear your baby, WHATEVER. This isn't a contest. This isn't about, " I deserve a baby more than you, because you've already had one baby".

That's what this entry is about. I can tell I've upset some people because I'm pregnant again. Maybe I should be a little more sensitive to those around me, but this is a happy time for me and my family, and most likely our last child. So, we'd like to enjoy it.

We truly were blessed, and we're about to be blessed a second time. I trust God. I trust him with all of my heart. I look to him everywhere I go, to give me the strength to know what I'm doing, to do what I need to do.

I hope in my heart of hearts, that all the women going through infertility, beat it, and go on to have many children. Merry Christmas, and have a very HAPPY New Year.

Our Weekend

I haven't really been in on much the last few days.

A lot has gone in the past few days. One is that Nora and I are both sick. First time Nora's been this kind of sick in her life. Her first cold. I haven't been sick in about 2 years or more. I'm just in a funk. I tried to keep her from getting it. Michael even took care of her the past few days, A.  because I needed the break, and B. because I'm sick and I wanted to keep the baby from getting whatever it was I had.

My fil ( Father in law )came to visit which was fun. We all went out to Applebees for Veterans Day. The boys got a free meal which was nice. It was a pretty good meal.

Friday, we went Olive Garden and did some grocery shopping. We got Nora an activity table for Christmas by Fisher Price. It has a telephone, laptop type thing, a book, and a couple other little things to go along with it. That should keep her busy.

Saturday we went to mall. I went into Sears where I nearly threw a fit because they no longer carry "short" or "petite" jeans. It's so hard for me to find jeans because of my stature. I should not have to order my stuff online. I LOVED Kohls, but they also no longer carry short. What a bummer! I also noticed they has already decorated for Christmas. Santa's chair was out and Christmas decor was everywhere. Can we please get through Thanksgiving first? Christmas is so commercialized anymore and I find it extremely annoying. It's not about the toys, or how much money you spend. It's about Jesus Christ, tradition and togetherness. I mean, I LOVE Christmas, but I'd really like to enjoy Thanksgiving too. Anyways, I did find a nice pair of jeans at TJ Maxx for 16 bucks. I love their home decor too. Name brand, normally expensive stuff, for discounted prices; can't beat that.

Today I woke up to find Nora with a very snotty nose. She acts fine. In fact, I don't think she cares much, but I know she's sick. She sounds so congested and her little nose is 10 kinds of runny. I'm so glad my mom got her our Vicks vaporizer. I've been using her bulb syringe and Tylenol too. She seems a little better since this morning. Michael also went out and bought the Ipad today. I sent him out for buns and tampons and he came back with a friggin' Ipad. I wasn't too mad, but I wish we had talked about it a little more. He did say that would be his part of next years tax check. He also never splurges like that, so I couldn't be mad at him. It is actually a nifty "little" gadget. He also let me buy some clothes online. So, I splurged a little too. He's taking me to get my hair dyed and cut Friday. I need it. I need a little pampering once in a while.

Oh, here are a few clothing store I shop at for my clothing. Alloy, Delias, and American Eagle are my favs. Oh, and everything at 15dollarstore.com IS 15 dollars. These are name brand clothing items, brand new. (online)

15dollarstore.com
delias.com
ae.com
alloy.com

It's true

A friend of mine said you do a lot of soul searching whilst pregnant. How true that is. This whole pregnancy, I have done a lot of thinking, and it would be stupid to say, my mind hasn't stopped since I found out I was pregnant, obviously, because you are always thinking, but what I'm trying to get at is that I have just done so much thinking and soul searching, but at the same time, I still have a hard time believing I'm going to have a baby. It's so surreal to me. My miscarriages really turned me off to the thought of having children, and they really did take away the innocence of pregnancy away from me. I haven't truly been able to enjoy my pregnancy, because we've gone through so many miscarriages. While they were all early on, you never stop questioning things. It was really bad the first 23 to 24 weeks. I was terrrrrrified about losing out daughter or that their might be something genetically wrong with her or something. I would say, some of those are normally "mommy fears", but I drove myself crazy with these thoughts. So, even still, I ask myself are these rational or irrational thoughts? We've been through so many losses, I just cannot fully get myself to understand, okay you're having a baby, and soon.

I honestly believe I suffered and still possibly suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. I don't think some people realize, both those who have never experienced the loss of a child, and those who have, but don't recognize the symptoms of ptsd, just how bad it messes up a person. It really, REALLY messes you up. On top of that, try having doctors who didn't care about your losses, who continually let them happen, when all along you knew what the problem was, but they still insisted it was just due to 'bad luck'. Losing one is hard, losing 5... I'm not trying to measure pain, but when you go through that many losses, you die inside. I know that sounds awful, but it's true. You become so numb, so bitter, so angry, depressed.. no feeling is a good feeling. It's just a dark, lonely world to live in.

Of course I had the people who made the wrong comments you should just NEVER, EVER say to somebody who has lost a baby. Repeating them will do me no good though. While you may not understand when somebody loses a baby, try to empathize with them. The only thing that you should say to them is, " I'm sorry, I love you, and if you need me I'm always here." Don't try to justify why it happened, that is the wrong thing to say.

I had counseling, but we just weren't clicking. We were stationed in Germany when we had all of our miscarriages, and for some odd reason, they couldn't see me on base for counseling, so they sent me off base to a German counselor. She was a nice woman, but the language barrier was terrible. How am I supposed to relay to you how I feel, when you can't comprehend what I'm saying, vice versa? So, I stopped seeing her.

I don't want to leave the impression that I'm ungrateful I'm pregnant. That definitely is not the case, I'm only writing this because it's been on my mind lately. I am truly grateful I'm having my miracle baby. It has been a long, hard road, and I'm so happy to finally be this far. I am still scared something could happen, but I have been trying to live for today, to cherish each and every moment. I love my daughter and cannot wait to see her beautiful face.

Anyways, our 3rd wedding anniversary is this Sunday (Valentines Day). Tomorrow night we are taking my father in law to his sisters in Georgia, to stay for however long he wants to. We are going to stay one night and come back home after that. We don't really have much planned ( that I'm aware of). Unless he has something up his sleeve. I did actually go with the message in a bottle thing. It was nice, but the price was a bit much. I probably could have made it myself now that I think about it. He loved it though, and I'm glad he did. I love him so much.

I hope you all have a great rest of the week and a wonderful weekend.

Almost February

Wow, it's almost February. Michael and I will be celebrating our three year wedding anniversary. For those who don't know, my husband and I were married on Valentines Day. We were married in Germany, where we were stationed. I'm not sure what we plan on doing. I heard from a friend about this thing called messageinabottle.com Check it out. I'm thinking about going with that. It's cute, romantic, and unique. I don't know. I just want to go all out. This will be our last anniversary as a "couple". I want to do something very special. Last year we went to Berlin. I don't know if anything can top that lol. Especially if you saw where we stayed. I know whatever I do he will love it, and I know I will love whatever he does for me. On my birthday just the card he picked out and what he wrote made me cry. I believe it's the littlest things that count. I don't really care what we do, as long as we are doing it together.

I am 31 weeks as of last Friday. Time is flying. Still have so much to do and get. I have attached a video of Nora (yes, this is her name. Nora Taylor to be exact) moving around. Skip forward to about 1:08 mark.

Happy New Year 2010!

For some it isn't so pleasent. I hope those of you who are going through personal issues, are able to find solice so you can enjoy the year. I know some of you have been going through a lot. Be it illness or just rotten luck. I hope this year is better!

Michael and I had a relaxing night at home. I made cheese pretzels which were deeeeelish. He bought himself a bottle of sparkling wine, and I sipped on some welches sparkling white grape "wine", and we watched the ball drop. Also, I had no clue getting a kiss for new year was tradition, or good luck. Am I allowed to have one now? Does it still count?

Anyways, I don't really have a new years resolution. I prefer to just go with the flow. I can make goals any time of year. I'm excited, and nervous, about what the new year holds for me. This baby will definitely be the highlight lol. I was reminded I only have 12 more weeks.. that isn't much time. I am so nervous about becoming a first time mom. It's still just so.. surreal to me. Almost as if I cannot wake myself up to remind myself.. 'hello this is real, and it will become even more real in a few short weeks'. I think my biggest concern, actually it is, is that I won't be a good mother. Why am I thinking like that? I have wanted this for so long, and now I'm beyond terrified. It's a whole new ball game when you're the one that is expecting a baby.

If I hear one more person comment on how big I am, I'm going to drop kick them. I do not need to be reminded of my weight, thank you. It's rude. Please stop. No shit, I'm 7 months pregnant and only 5'1". I hate even going in public now, because people will purposely turn around to stare at me. I had some woman and her husband turn around and almost giggle at me. I asked them if they had a staring problem, but obviously it wasn't loud enough for them to hear me. The rude stares and the just staring me down in general really upset me. Yes, I'm pregnant. No, this is not a beer belly I'm sporting. It's one thing to look at me and smile, with a sincere smile, it's another to look at me like I'm a cow, or an unwed teenaged mother. This mainly happens in Walmart, and last time I checked their were funnier looking characters walking around that place. People with their teeth missing, people who are over 300 pounds wearing mini skirts, people not wearing shoes.. The list goes on and on. It's just plain annoying and rude. I'm starting to believe "southern hospitality" doesn't really exsist.

It's a new year, I shouldn't be complaining already. Though, if you know me, you know I don't do much without complaining. It gets me through my days.

I hope 2010 is a wonderful year for all of us. I hope it brings you everything you could possibly want and more. I guess if I had to pick a new years resolution; it would be to live life now, rather than worrying about the past and the future. That is really hard for me. Not unrealistic though.

Happy New Year!

2009 is nearing an end.

So, Christmas is over for another year. It came and went pretty quickly. It wasn't chaotic, really. We got some really nice things from family. My father in law and his wife sent us some nice things for the baby. We also got a really nice canvas photo of the Big Ben (they are stationed in England). Michael got a cheese and meat kit from his uncle Craig. We've definitely been munching on all of it. Anybody who sends food for a gift is a great uncle/friend lol. My secret santa sent me a 5 pack of receiving blankets for the baby and the thermometer I was wanting as well. It is universal. It has three attachments. One for underarm, oral, and well.. the one place nobody likes having their temperature taken lol. Michael's mom gave me some money for my birthday and some for Michael for Christmas. We are going out tomorrow to do some shopping. Michael's grandma and grandpa Wind sent me me a bath and body works set. And some home made goodies, which I ate in just about one sitting lol. food is really the way to my heart, especially whilst pregnant. Michael took me out on my birthday to Applebees. It was delicious. He also got me a beautiful jewelry box and a beautiful card to go along with it. Gizmo had a prety good Christmas too. He got a cute little stocking from my mom. It is shaped like a bone and has a place on the front where you can insert a picture, which we did. He got three toys from 'Santa Paws', and was definitely pleased with them. He wears himself out playing. He tries so hard to play with all three at the same time. My little multi-tasker. We all had a wonderful Christmas.

We had a guy from Michael's shop over for Christmas dinner. Michael helped so much the night before and Christmas day, bless his heart. The night before we made cheese balls, which turned out fabulous. I think Michael was pretty pleased about his cheese ball. We made one with pecans coating the outside, and he made his own, without. Both was so good. The next morning, I woke up at about 8, and made the brownies. I sprinkled powdered sugar over top of them to make them a little more "Christmasy". For dinner, I made Home made baked mac and cheese, ham, mashed potatoes, and yeast rolls. Everything turned out so well. We all hung out, ate, and watched a Myth Busters marathon. Neither of them seemed too adamant about watching Christmas movies lol. Oh well, I guess.

Also, Michael's grandpa Gribble suffered a heart attack last week, but thankfully he is okay. He was home just in time for Christmas. We love you guys! Get well soon.

I am now in my third and FINAL trimester. Some say between 26 and 28 weeks, but I'll say 27. It's in the middle, so it's perfect lol. I seem to get bigger everyday. I also believe the baby is head down now, which is where I am hoping she stays.

On the symptoms front: I have been having braxton hicks contractions just about everyday. I was getting 4 or 5 in one day. Which is normal, but that doesn't mean they are comfortable! My fatigue seems to be getting worse as well. I really haven't been too tired my whole pregnancy. I didn't experience fatigue in the beginning of my pregnancy like most women do. So, I guess I'm making up for it now. I have been experiencing a lot of heart palpitations the last few days. I know this can be normal for pregnant women, but with my anxieties, I definitely will be talking with my OB about it. Maybe an EKG wouldn't be a bad idea. I'd rather not chance anything. And last, but not least; SWELLING! My hands and feet have been swelling more than they ever really have. I drink plenty of water, so there isn't much more I can do. I pray these aren't the early staged of preeclampsia, because I am still having headaches and nausea. That too is worth mentioning when I see the doctor next Monday. I have my gestational diabetes test that day as well. I hope I pass.

Well, suppose I should get going. I'm going to eat what's left of the mashed potatoes and head to bed soon. Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and have a happy new year.

Tis the season to be jolly

So much has been going on the last two weeks. Lot's of sadness in the family. It's just hard to be "jolly" when there are so many people around you hurting. It puts me in a depressed state of mind. I REALLY hope 2010 brings new beginnings for all of us.

Anyways, so updates on me; nothing new really. I have been super tired since 24 weeks. I recently started experiencing Braxton hicks contractions. I know they had probably been happening before, but I can actually feel them now. Some aren't that bad, others can be quite uncomfortable. It feels like.. when you eat too much and you get a stomach ache. You can feel your stomach tighten. That part is pretty neat, but the discomfort.. not so much.

So, we are getting ready for Christmas. I'm making a Sara Lee Ham, Home baked macaroni and cheese, and Mashed potatoes. I am making a cheese ball.. well log on Christmas eve. My first ever. I got the recipe from a family member. That will be to munch on on Christmas day. For dessert, I'm making brownies. It's tough to make something sweet that Michael actually likes. So, I'm making the chocolate chunk kind and sprinkling powdered sugar over them. Hoping it turns out how I want.

Well, that's about it for now. Happy Holidays to you and yours.

Happy Holidays

I have needed to update for quite some time now. I've just been too lazy I guess. We really enjoyed our Thanksgiving in Georgia. I definitely bonded well with everybody. Their hospitality was very genuine and they made Michael and I feel right at home. I look forward to visiting with them again.

Lets see.. I'm now 24 weeks and 5 days. The baby kicks me almost all the time, and a couple nights ago, right before Michael and I went to sleep, he got to feel the baby kick for the first time! I was so happy. Then, she didn't want to stop lol. Silly already.

Michael and I are staying home for Christmas. We are inviting one of his friends from work to spend Christmas Day with us. Nobody should be alone for the holidays. Plus, it gives me a reason to prepare a huge meal.

My birthday is also coming up. The 23rd of December to be exact. Which would make it about two weeks away. This year has gone by so quickly. In a lot of ways I'm glad, because I think this year has been one of the worst. I've gone through so much this year. Excluding the miracle of this pregnancy, because it is indeed a miracle, but it's just been a hell of a year.

Gizmo has recently been sick. He was hospitalized for a day, due to Pancreatitis. He had been real lethargic for a couple days. He wasn't eating one of those days; at all. He would barely drink any water, and had a small bout of diarrhea in the house. A couple days later he was throwing up and I said this is the last straw, something is wrong. Thankfully we have a vet clinic right across the street. So, I took him over there. I never anticipated he would be as sick as his diagnosis. I thought maybe it was just a viral thing, but he was very sick. We caught it early enough to get him better though. He is now on a prescription diet and just took his last bit of medication today. He seems a lot better, which is wonderful. It costed us over 300 dollars to get him better. It was worth it. He will now be a low fat diet for the rest of his life. He isn't happy about this, but as long as he is healthy that is all that matters.

Anyway, I should get going. Here is a picture of our Christmas tree. It is half lit. We can't seem to find the bulb that is out. When we actually have money we will get a fuse finder. Until then it's a half lit tree. Which isn't so bad. Happy holidays all.