It gets better

It's amazing the damage one can do to another, mentally and emotionally. To break somebody down because they are so unhappy; to hurt another person because they are so miserable or selfish. Seeing people I love hurting, hurts me. It's so easy to break a persons spirit, so why do it? Is it because they don't see what they are doing, or because they just don't care? I'll never know.

I wish I could make things better those people. As somebody who dealt with abuse, I can completely relate to the hurt and struggle through everyday life. Even if you don't have contact with that person, the impact they made on your life lives on. It's something that hard to overcome.

I learned something recently; We are completely in control of the people we bring in and around our lives. We have the power to let them hurt us, and the power to kick them to the curb, but it's so much easier said than done. My point is, we can control our happiness. Sometimes that takes a little help, be it therapy, medications, etc, but there is no shame is asking for help. When we're that broken, that tired, that worn down, sometimes we do need help. We're only human, we can only do so much before we break down. The strongest people can't always be on top of their game. 

I can't really indulge what this is about, but I hope if the person I'm writing about reads this, that they know how much I love them, and know it will get better. It has to. 

Hey, I remember you!

So I wanted to talk about my rekindling with god. First, let me start by saying, I'm not the perfect Christian. I'm not, and I'll be the first to admit that I'm not. Of course, I don't know anybody who is. When I was in 4th grade, my aunt passed away from cancer, from there on I told myself, god no longer existed, and from there on out, he didn't. I still prayed to him, but my heart was not in it. Before she passed away, I went to church quite often. It just wasn't the same after she died. Through the years I just couldn't properly give my hear to him, nothing I said or did, worked, and after all the crap I dealt with, I just had no room in my life for him. I blamed him for every bad thing that happened to me. Then I realized, he's not hurting me, the people I surrounded myself around were hurting me, I was putting MYSELF in situations that were hurting me. God would never hurt me. 


I think one question that upsets me now, and I was guilty of asking it; " If there was a god, why does he allow all these bad things to happen to people?" First off, god gave us free will, we are our own worst enemy and if we have put ourselves in the position to get hurt, it's OUR fault. You know the best way to deal with those kinds of situations? Learn from them. That is how it works, we fall of the horse, we get back on. God wants us to make the right decisions. Now, if we're talking about things we simply cannot control, like cancer or something, that's different. God knew before you were even conceived, you would get cancer. He did not just "give" you cancer. Somehow, someway, it happened. Lets say you or somebody you know died from cancer, how do we know dying is such a bad thing? We all look at death in the wrong light, in my opinion. It's terrible for the living, for the ones mourning, because yes, we will miss that person, their physical being is gone, we won't be able to see or touch them anymore, but I believe in heaven, and I cannot imagine heaven being a terrible place. I think another thing that gets me now, is people who try to disprove god exists. Can't FEELING be believing? Is seeing really the only way to prove something is real? Maybe that sounds stupid, but ever since I gave my life back to Christ, my life FEELS fulfilled. My life is different, it just feels different. 


All I know, is that god has given me a second chance. He gave me a wonderful husband, and a miracle named Nora. That is how I know god exists.


By the way, no matter what you believe, if you're agnostic, atheist,  Jewish, Wiccan, w/e, I'm not judging you. I believe in freedom of religion. W/e fulfills your heart, and your life is fine with me =0)

HI!

It's been some time since I last wrote. I've neglected this blog for too long. I need to start updating at least once a week. I know family likes to read it, so I'll try and do a better job at updating. 

Anyways, Nora is now 6 and half months old. WHAT?! Seriously, time is flying. I know the next few will fly by too. She sits up on her own now. Not all the time, because it's still new to her, but she does quite often. She is SOo close to crawling. She gets up on all fours perfectly, then lays on her belly. I know she knows what to do. It's just a matter of time. She says, "Mama ( she said that first ), and for the first time today said Dada. She is so smart.  She is babbling up a storm as of late. I love it. She is becoming her own little person.

As for me, I'm doing okay. I battled REALLY hard with ppd. I still deal with it from time to time, mainly anxiety, but it's getting better. They say the first year of parenthood is the hardest. I've said this many times before, I believe my miscarriages really caused me to have ppd. I was not able to bond with Nora during my pregnancy. It hurts me to say that, but I'm bonding with her more now, and I enjoy it. I love with with all of my heart. I recently found god and I'm devoting my life to Jesus, and with him in my life again, I'd be lost. My husband is as understanding as he can be. I know he doesn't get it, but he tries to. He's an amazing father and I could never ask for anything more.

I'm dealing with a lot of demons from my past, and it's been some challenge to get deal with them. I still have a long ways to go, but I'm trying. I'm really make an effort. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and I think maybe I need to stop and just go with the flow. I definitely think to much and I think that causes me to go into a deep depression. I do want to go to college in the next couple years though. I just want to give my daughter the best life I can. I don't know any mother that doesn't want that for her child. She is my world and I would do anything for her.

Can you all believe it's already October? I sure can't. Where did the year go? I'm ready for the cooler weather, time with family, and food. I love the holidays. I think I'm going to attempt to make fudge this Christmas. I was too tired last Christmas, and I was afraid I'd screw it up. It's not easy to make, and I'm kind of a novice when it comes to baking from scratch, but practice makes perfect I suppose.
Well, time to get ready for bed. Have a great week.

Induction

Going to the hospital tomorrow. Going to be induced on Wednesday though. Doctor just thinks it's time, and of course I couldn't agree more lol. Plus, since Michael has a 6 week course in the military coming up in April, I will need him the 10 days he gets from maternity leave. Especially if I have a c-section and/or post partum depression. My husbands birthday is tomorrow too. Michael and I will be updating my twitter account during the "active" hours of labor and delivery. So, click here to check out updates. For those of you who are not computer, or internet savvy, you do NOT have to sign up to view updates. It's just like this website is, you can view without signing up. We are doing this, so we don't have to call so many people. Will of course call once she is born, but this is to update you on labor progression.

Wish us luck, and please keep us in your prayers. If clicking on the link does not work, copy and paste this link http://twitter.com/emilygribble

37 weeks

It's been quite some time since I updated. I've just been overwhelmed. SO much to do, so much going on, so little time. I've not been feeling too hot the last week or so. My stomach has been upset, I get nausea, no sleep ( mainly due to being uncomfortable, and just overall fear of being a first time mom.

at my appt last week, we had an ultrasound, just to check and see if baby was head down, and estimate how much she weighs. She is already estimated to weigh 7 pounds and some oz. Kinda big, but rather her be big than too small. And she is head down, which I already knew, because I can feel it lol. We did a non stress stress as well, and did fine with that, other than the fact she wouldn't let us get a good reading. She does NOT like being pushed on and will move constantly if you try to get her heart rate. So, it took about 10 to 15 minutes to get a reading. Did our first cervical check, of course there was no dilation. Even with all the pressure and pains I've been having, nothing, absolutely nothing. I was however about 50% effaced. Our next appt. is tomorrow, maybe I will have made SOME progress. Wishful thinking, I'm sure.

Gizmo is sick. Not for sure what is wrong, but I think he may have pancreatitis again. He went to the vet yesterday because I found blood in his stool, which they "ruled out", but I know I saw blood. I even brought the stool sample with me, which they didn't look at, they took a sample themselves and found no blood, but that doesn't mean he didn't have it. Anyways, they basically said there was nothing wrong with him, other than his ear infection. However, now he isn't holding ANYTHING down. He is vomiting. He won't eat, but he did drink some water this morning, so that is good. I am sure he is probably dehydrated. I'm going to have hubby get him some rice. He should be in a bland diet for a couple of days. I hope he would eat it though. He just doesn't want to eat and if he does, he throws up. He throws up no matter what. They gave us some meds to harden his stool, but he just throws it right back up. He's not too lethargic, but I can tell he is a little weak and tired. So, hopefully they will see us tomorrow. I'm sure they will though. Hopefully it's just a small stomach bug. I feel bad for him and wish I could make him better.

Well, should get going. And congrats to morningglory on her new arrivals. your twins are just precious! I wish you nothing, but the best.

It's true

A friend of mine said you do a lot of soul searching whilst pregnant. How true that is. This whole pregnancy, I have done a lot of thinking, and it would be stupid to say, my mind hasn't stopped since I found out I was pregnant, obviously, because you are always thinking, but what I'm trying to get at is that I have just done so much thinking and soul searching, but at the same time, I still have a hard time believing I'm going to have a baby. It's so surreal to me. My miscarriages really turned me off to the thought of having children, and they really did take away the innocence of pregnancy away from me. I haven't truly been able to enjoy my pregnancy, because we've gone through so many miscarriages. While they were all early on, you never stop questioning things. It was really bad the first 23 to 24 weeks. I was terrrrrrified about losing out daughter or that their might be something genetically wrong with her or something. I would say, some of those are normally "mommy fears", but I drove myself crazy with these thoughts. So, even still, I ask myself are these rational or irrational thoughts? We've been through so many losses, I just cannot fully get myself to understand, okay you're having a baby, and soon.

I honestly believe I suffered and still possibly suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. I don't think some people realize, both those who have never experienced the loss of a child, and those who have, but don't recognize the symptoms of ptsd, just how bad it messes up a person. It really, REALLY messes you up. On top of that, try having doctors who didn't care about your losses, who continually let them happen, when all along you knew what the problem was, but they still insisted it was just due to 'bad luck'. Losing one is hard, losing 5... I'm not trying to measure pain, but when you go through that many losses, you die inside. I know that sounds awful, but it's true. You become so numb, so bitter, so angry, depressed.. no feeling is a good feeling. It's just a dark, lonely world to live in.

Of course I had the people who made the wrong comments you should just NEVER, EVER say to somebody who has lost a baby. Repeating them will do me no good though. While you may not understand when somebody loses a baby, try to empathize with them. The only thing that you should say to them is, " I'm sorry, I love you, and if you need me I'm always here." Don't try to justify why it happened, that is the wrong thing to say.

I had counseling, but we just weren't clicking. We were stationed in Germany when we had all of our miscarriages, and for some odd reason, they couldn't see me on base for counseling, so they sent me off base to a German counselor. She was a nice woman, but the language barrier was terrible. How am I supposed to relay to you how I feel, when you can't comprehend what I'm saying, vice versa? So, I stopped seeing her.

I don't want to leave the impression that I'm ungrateful I'm pregnant. That definitely is not the case, I'm only writing this because it's been on my mind lately. I am truly grateful I'm having my miracle baby. It has been a long, hard road, and I'm so happy to finally be this far. I am still scared something could happen, but I have been trying to live for today, to cherish each and every moment. I love my daughter and cannot wait to see her beautiful face.

Anyways, our 3rd wedding anniversary is this Sunday (Valentines Day). Tomorrow night we are taking my father in law to his sisters in Georgia, to stay for however long he wants to. We are going to stay one night and come back home after that. We don't really have much planned ( that I'm aware of). Unless he has something up his sleeve. I did actually go with the message in a bottle thing. It was nice, but the price was a bit much. I probably could have made it myself now that I think about it. He loved it though, and I'm glad he did. I love him so much.

I hope you all have a great rest of the week and a wonderful weekend.

33 weeks

So, here I am at 33 weeks. I'm tired, I'm cranky.. I feel as though at any moment I could probably deck the next person who looks at me wrong, or says the wrong thing. I won't even bother going into that because obviously I'm not entitled to feel how I feel. A lot of people have made me feel that way the last two days. Not my husband or anything, just people on Facebook.

Anyways, I'm 8 and half months pregnant. My sanity is truly in question lately. I am really ready for Nora to get here. I know she isn't ready yet, so I will just have to complain about it until then. Michael is ready too. He is getting so excited. Michael excited about things? Yes, it's true. Sure, he isn't jumping up and down, but the way he looks at me, and talks about her says it all. He is even referring to her as "Nora" now. We both had trouble at first, because for over 6 months we were calling her, her.

Nothing much to update on though. Had our two week check up on Monday. Doctor went over our birth plan, and had no complaints about it. So, good to go there. Anywho, I'm tired, so I'm going to lay down. Attached is my 33 weeks maternity picture.