It's true

A friend of mine said you do a lot of soul searching whilst pregnant. How true that is. This whole pregnancy, I have done a lot of thinking, and it would be stupid to say, my mind hasn't stopped since I found out I was pregnant, obviously, because you are always thinking, but what I'm trying to get at is that I have just done so much thinking and soul searching, but at the same time, I still have a hard time believing I'm going to have a baby. It's so surreal to me. My miscarriages really turned me off to the thought of having children, and they really did take away the innocence of pregnancy away from me. I haven't truly been able to enjoy my pregnancy, because we've gone through so many miscarriages. While they were all early on, you never stop questioning things. It was really bad the first 23 to 24 weeks. I was terrrrrrified about losing out daughter or that their might be something genetically wrong with her or something. I would say, some of those are normally "mommy fears", but I drove myself crazy with these thoughts. So, even still, I ask myself are these rational or irrational thoughts? We've been through so many losses, I just cannot fully get myself to understand, okay you're having a baby, and soon.

I honestly believe I suffered and still possibly suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. I don't think some people realize, both those who have never experienced the loss of a child, and those who have, but don't recognize the symptoms of ptsd, just how bad it messes up a person. It really, REALLY messes you up. On top of that, try having doctors who didn't care about your losses, who continually let them happen, when all along you knew what the problem was, but they still insisted it was just due to 'bad luck'. Losing one is hard, losing 5... I'm not trying to measure pain, but when you go through that many losses, you die inside. I know that sounds awful, but it's true. You become so numb, so bitter, so angry, depressed.. no feeling is a good feeling. It's just a dark, lonely world to live in.

Of course I had the people who made the wrong comments you should just NEVER, EVER say to somebody who has lost a baby. Repeating them will do me no good though. While you may not understand when somebody loses a baby, try to empathize with them. The only thing that you should say to them is, " I'm sorry, I love you, and if you need me I'm always here." Don't try to justify why it happened, that is the wrong thing to say.

I had counseling, but we just weren't clicking. We were stationed in Germany when we had all of our miscarriages, and for some odd reason, they couldn't see me on base for counseling, so they sent me off base to a German counselor. She was a nice woman, but the language barrier was terrible. How am I supposed to relay to you how I feel, when you can't comprehend what I'm saying, vice versa? So, I stopped seeing her.

I don't want to leave the impression that I'm ungrateful I'm pregnant. That definitely is not the case, I'm only writing this because it's been on my mind lately. I am truly grateful I'm having my miracle baby. It has been a long, hard road, and I'm so happy to finally be this far. I am still scared something could happen, but I have been trying to live for today, to cherish each and every moment. I love my daughter and cannot wait to see her beautiful face.

Anyways, our 3rd wedding anniversary is this Sunday (Valentines Day). Tomorrow night we are taking my father in law to his sisters in Georgia, to stay for however long he wants to. We are going to stay one night and come back home after that. We don't really have much planned ( that I'm aware of). Unless he has something up his sleeve. I did actually go with the message in a bottle thing. It was nice, but the price was a bit much. I probably could have made it myself now that I think about it. He loved it though, and I'm glad he did. I love him so much.

I hope you all have a great rest of the week and a wonderful weekend.

33 weeks

So, here I am at 33 weeks. I'm tired, I'm cranky.. I feel as though at any moment I could probably deck the next person who looks at me wrong, or says the wrong thing. I won't even bother going into that because obviously I'm not entitled to feel how I feel. A lot of people have made me feel that way the last two days. Not my husband or anything, just people on Facebook.

Anyways, I'm 8 and half months pregnant. My sanity is truly in question lately. I am really ready for Nora to get here. I know she isn't ready yet, so I will just have to complain about it until then. Michael is ready too. He is getting so excited. Michael excited about things? Yes, it's true. Sure, he isn't jumping up and down, but the way he looks at me, and talks about her says it all. He is even referring to her as "Nora" now. We both had trouble at first, because for over 6 months we were calling her, her.

Nothing much to update on though. Had our two week check up on Monday. Doctor went over our birth plan, and had no complaints about it. So, good to go there. Anywho, I'm tired, so I'm going to lay down. Attached is my 33 weeks maternity picture.

Almost February

Wow, it's almost February. Michael and I will be celebrating our three year wedding anniversary. For those who don't know, my husband and I were married on Valentines Day. We were married in Germany, where we were stationed. I'm not sure what we plan on doing. I heard from a friend about this thing called messageinabottle.com Check it out. I'm thinking about going with that. It's cute, romantic, and unique. I don't know. I just want to go all out. This will be our last anniversary as a "couple". I want to do something very special. Last year we went to Berlin. I don't know if anything can top that lol. Especially if you saw where we stayed. I know whatever I do he will love it, and I know I will love whatever he does for me. On my birthday just the card he picked out and what he wrote made me cry. I believe it's the littlest things that count. I don't really care what we do, as long as we are doing it together.

I am 31 weeks as of last Friday. Time is flying. Still have so much to do and get. I have attached a video of Nora (yes, this is her name. Nora Taylor to be exact) moving around. Skip forward to about 1:08 mark.

Just updating

It's been nearly two weeks since my last update. I guess I could say it's been somewhat eventful. We are now being seen every two weeks. Our last appointment was on the the 4th. I had my glucose test, which I passed by the way. Then we saw the doctor, and just talked a bit. I told him I had been having braxton hicks contractions, on and off for the past 3 or so weeks. He said as long as I'm not getting more than 6 in an hour, then I should be fine. Well wouldn't you know, I ended up in labor and delivery that night for having way more than 6 in an hour, and they were actually regularly patterned. They went from 5 to 2 minutes a part. I tried walking, drinking more water ( even though I drink nearly 7 or more glasses a day) and I took a nice warm shower. The shower seemed to slow them down, but I was not taking any chances. We went ahead and went to L&D. I was hooked up to the monitors and they watched me for about an hour. Then the nurse came in and said I was having a few mild contractions and gave me a shot to stop them. Honestly, I wish she had told me more about this shot. I am pretty sure I know what it was ( now ) and it has not been approved by the FDA. I know she was only doing her job, but the only thing she told me would happen would be the my heart rate would go up, as would the babys. However, I found a ton of info on the shot that actually scares me. Next time they offer it ( god forbid ) I will not be taking it. There are just too many possible side effects. Anyways, while I was hooked up to the monitors, she got the hiccups. It was the funniest thing. At first I did not know what it was, and then it dawned on me; she was having the hiccups. I couldn't stop laughing. And it's a funny sound when you're laughing, while hooked up to a heart monitor. The nurse came in and gave me a weird look ( out of confusion ) and I told her the baby was having hiccups. I got real quiet so she could hear, and she's like " oh my gosh she is lol" Soo cute. Anyways, long story short, we are fine. It was an adventure.

Michael and I have decided on a name. I pray we don't change it, but I honestly like it, and he does too. He chose the first name.. well he came up with it I mean. Nora. I chose Lynn for a middle name. The original plan was to have her middle name be Lenora, after my great grandmother. However, it has been a struggle finding a name that not only flows well with Lenora, but isn't overly used. So it's still Lenora, just backwards lol.

I have not been getting much sleep. I will go to sleep for about 3 maybe 4 hours and wake up feeling as though I've slept the whole night, and then end up sleeping during the day. It's annoying. Not to mention I have developed severe restless leg syndrome. I also get it in my arms from time to time. It's awful, and sadly there is nothing I can do about it. So that too keeps me awake. Walking around is the only thing that helps, and that is awful when all you want to do is sleep. They say only 15-20% of pregnant women will develope RLS. Of course I fall into this 15-20% lol. Oh well.

Well, I should get going. My mind is racing and I'm pretty tired. Ciao!

Happy New Year 2010!

For some it isn't so pleasent. I hope those of you who are going through personal issues, are able to find solice so you can enjoy the year. I know some of you have been going through a lot. Be it illness or just rotten luck. I hope this year is better!

Michael and I had a relaxing night at home. I made cheese pretzels which were deeeeelish. He bought himself a bottle of sparkling wine, and I sipped on some welches sparkling white grape "wine", and we watched the ball drop. Also, I had no clue getting a kiss for new year was tradition, or good luck. Am I allowed to have one now? Does it still count?

Anyways, I don't really have a new years resolution. I prefer to just go with the flow. I can make goals any time of year. I'm excited, and nervous, about what the new year holds for me. This baby will definitely be the highlight lol. I was reminded I only have 12 more weeks.. that isn't much time. I am so nervous about becoming a first time mom. It's still just so.. surreal to me. Almost as if I cannot wake myself up to remind myself.. 'hello this is real, and it will become even more real in a few short weeks'. I think my biggest concern, actually it is, is that I won't be a good mother. Why am I thinking like that? I have wanted this for so long, and now I'm beyond terrified. It's a whole new ball game when you're the one that is expecting a baby.

If I hear one more person comment on how big I am, I'm going to drop kick them. I do not need to be reminded of my weight, thank you. It's rude. Please stop. No shit, I'm 7 months pregnant and only 5'1". I hate even going in public now, because people will purposely turn around to stare at me. I had some woman and her husband turn around and almost giggle at me. I asked them if they had a staring problem, but obviously it wasn't loud enough for them to hear me. The rude stares and the just staring me down in general really upset me. Yes, I'm pregnant. No, this is not a beer belly I'm sporting. It's one thing to look at me and smile, with a sincere smile, it's another to look at me like I'm a cow, or an unwed teenaged mother. This mainly happens in Walmart, and last time I checked their were funnier looking characters walking around that place. People with their teeth missing, people who are over 300 pounds wearing mini skirts, people not wearing shoes.. The list goes on and on. It's just plain annoying and rude. I'm starting to believe "southern hospitality" doesn't really exsist.

It's a new year, I shouldn't be complaining already. Though, if you know me, you know I don't do much without complaining. It gets me through my days.

I hope 2010 is a wonderful year for all of us. I hope it brings you everything you could possibly want and more. I guess if I had to pick a new years resolution; it would be to live life now, rather than worrying about the past and the future. That is really hard for me. Not unrealistic though.

Happy New Year!

2009 is nearing an end.

So, Christmas is over for another year. It came and went pretty quickly. It wasn't chaotic, really. We got some really nice things from family. My father in law and his wife sent us some nice things for the baby. We also got a really nice canvas photo of the Big Ben (they are stationed in England). Michael got a cheese and meat kit from his uncle Craig. We've definitely been munching on all of it. Anybody who sends food for a gift is a great uncle/friend lol. My secret santa sent me a 5 pack of receiving blankets for the baby and the thermometer I was wanting as well. It is universal. It has three attachments. One for underarm, oral, and well.. the one place nobody likes having their temperature taken lol. Michael's mom gave me some money for my birthday and some for Michael for Christmas. We are going out tomorrow to do some shopping. Michael's grandma and grandpa Wind sent me me a bath and body works set. And some home made goodies, which I ate in just about one sitting lol. food is really the way to my heart, especially whilst pregnant. Michael took me out on my birthday to Applebees. It was delicious. He also got me a beautiful jewelry box and a beautiful card to go along with it. Gizmo had a prety good Christmas too. He got a cute little stocking from my mom. It is shaped like a bone and has a place on the front where you can insert a picture, which we did. He got three toys from 'Santa Paws', and was definitely pleased with them. He wears himself out playing. He tries so hard to play with all three at the same time. My little multi-tasker. We all had a wonderful Christmas.

We had a guy from Michael's shop over for Christmas dinner. Michael helped so much the night before and Christmas day, bless his heart. The night before we made cheese balls, which turned out fabulous. I think Michael was pretty pleased about his cheese ball. We made one with pecans coating the outside, and he made his own, without. Both was so good. The next morning, I woke up at about 8, and made the brownies. I sprinkled powdered sugar over top of them to make them a little more "Christmasy". For dinner, I made Home made baked mac and cheese, ham, mashed potatoes, and yeast rolls. Everything turned out so well. We all hung out, ate, and watched a Myth Busters marathon. Neither of them seemed too adamant about watching Christmas movies lol. Oh well, I guess.

Also, Michael's grandpa Gribble suffered a heart attack last week, but thankfully he is okay. He was home just in time for Christmas. We love you guys! Get well soon.

I am now in my third and FINAL trimester. Some say between 26 and 28 weeks, but I'll say 27. It's in the middle, so it's perfect lol. I seem to get bigger everyday. I also believe the baby is head down now, which is where I am hoping she stays.

On the symptoms front: I have been having braxton hicks contractions just about everyday. I was getting 4 or 5 in one day. Which is normal, but that doesn't mean they are comfortable! My fatigue seems to be getting worse as well. I really haven't been too tired my whole pregnancy. I didn't experience fatigue in the beginning of my pregnancy like most women do. So, I guess I'm making up for it now. I have been experiencing a lot of heart palpitations the last few days. I know this can be normal for pregnant women, but with my anxieties, I definitely will be talking with my OB about it. Maybe an EKG wouldn't be a bad idea. I'd rather not chance anything. And last, but not least; SWELLING! My hands and feet have been swelling more than they ever really have. I drink plenty of water, so there isn't much more I can do. I pray these aren't the early staged of preeclampsia, because I am still having headaches and nausea. That too is worth mentioning when I see the doctor next Monday. I have my gestational diabetes test that day as well. I hope I pass.

Well, suppose I should get going. I'm going to eat what's left of the mashed potatoes and head to bed soon. Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and have a happy new year.

Tis the season to be jolly

So much has been going on the last two weeks. Lot's of sadness in the family. It's just hard to be "jolly" when there are so many people around you hurting. It puts me in a depressed state of mind. I REALLY hope 2010 brings new beginnings for all of us.

Anyways, so updates on me; nothing new really. I have been super tired since 24 weeks. I recently started experiencing Braxton hicks contractions. I know they had probably been happening before, but I can actually feel them now. Some aren't that bad, others can be quite uncomfortable. It feels like.. when you eat too much and you get a stomach ache. You can feel your stomach tighten. That part is pretty neat, but the discomfort.. not so much.

So, we are getting ready for Christmas. I'm making a Sara Lee Ham, Home baked macaroni and cheese, and Mashed potatoes. I am making a cheese ball.. well log on Christmas eve. My first ever. I got the recipe from a family member. That will be to munch on on Christmas day. For dessert, I'm making brownies. It's tough to make something sweet that Michael actually likes. So, I'm making the chocolate chunk kind and sprinkling powdered sugar over them. Hoping it turns out how I want.

Well, that's about it for now. Happy Holidays to you and yours.