Wednesday, February 10, 2010
A friend of mine said you do a lot of soul searching whilst pregnant. How true that is. This whole pregnancy, I have done a lot of thinking, and it would be stupid to say, my mind hasn't stopped since I found out I was pregnant, obviously, because you are always thinking, but what I'm trying to get at is that I have just done so much thinking and soul searching, but at the same time, I still have a hard time believing I'm going to have a baby. It's so surreal to me. My miscarriages really turned me off to the thought of having children, and they really did take away the innocence of pregnancy away from me. I haven't truly been able to enjoy my pregnancy, because we've gone through so many miscarriages. While they were all early on, you never stop questioning things. It was really bad the first 23 to 24 weeks. I was terrrrrrified about losing out daughter or that their might be something genetically wrong with her or something. I would say, some of those are normally "mommy fears", but I drove myself crazy with these thoughts. So, even still, I ask myself are these rational or irrational thoughts? We've been through so many losses, I just cannot fully get myself to understand, okay you're having a baby, and soon.
I honestly believe I suffered and still possibly suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. I don't think some people realize, both those who have never experienced the loss of a child, and those who have, but don't recognize the symptoms of ptsd, just how bad it messes up a person. It really, REALLY messes you up. On top of that, try having doctors who didn't care about your losses, who continually let them happen, when all along you knew what the problem was, but they still insisted it was just due to 'bad luck'. Losing one is hard, losing 5... I'm not trying to measure pain, but when you go through that many losses, you die inside. I know that sounds awful, but it's true. You become so numb, so bitter, so angry, depressed.. no feeling is a good feeling. It's just a dark, lonely world to live in.
Of course I had the people who made the wrong comments you should just NEVER, EVER say to somebody who has lost a baby. Repeating them will do me no good though. While you may not understand when somebody loses a baby, try to empathize with them. The only thing that you should say to them is, " I'm sorry, I love you, and if you need me I'm always here." Don't try to justify why it happened, that is the wrong thing to say.
I had counseling, but we just weren't clicking. We were stationed in Germany when we had all of our miscarriages, and for some odd reason, they couldn't see me on base for counseling, so they sent me off base to a German counselor. She was a nice woman, but the language barrier was terrible. How am I supposed to relay to you how I feel, when you can't comprehend what I'm saying, vice versa? So, I stopped seeing her.
I don't want to leave the impression that I'm ungrateful I'm pregnant. That definitely is not the case, I'm only writing this because it's been on my mind lately. I am truly grateful I'm having my miracle baby. It has been a long, hard road, and I'm so happy to finally be this far. I am still scared something could happen, but I have been trying to live for today, to cherish each and every moment. I love my daughter and cannot wait to see her beautiful face.
Anyways, our 3rd wedding anniversary is this Sunday (Valentines Day). Tomorrow night we are taking my father in law to his sisters in Georgia, to stay for however long he wants to. We are going to stay one night and come back home after that. We don't really have much planned ( that I'm aware of). Unless he has something up his sleeve. I did actually go with the message in a bottle thing. It was nice, but the price was a bit much. I probably could have made it myself now that I think about it. He loved it though, and I'm glad he did. I love him so much.
I hope you all have a great rest of the week and a wonderful weekend.