Something has been poking me in the side here lately, and I needed to blog about it.

I am aware that there are thousands if not millions couples who suffer infertility everyday. Infertility can rage from unexplained, to recurrent miscarriages.

Something that always bothered me was, You're only 18,19,20,21 years old, you have plenty of time to have a baby. EH, WRONG! After suffering numerous miscarriages, that proof enough for me that we were on a limited time frame. Or another was, " At least you can get pregnant" What the heck kind of comment is that? At least I can get pregnant? So, you're telling me, well, it's a good thing I got pregnant to lose 5-6 pregnancies? These comments usually came from OTHER women who were having infertility issues. So, you'd think out of everybody these people would be the most sensitive to our situation. Just because we went on to have a healthy baby, doesn't mean that will happen again, or that we won't go on to lose another 5 pregnancies.

In my opinion, while infertility ranges from mild to severe, it doesn't mean one person deserves a baby more than another. I think a lot of women, myself included at one point in time, romanticize what our future children will be like, and we don't ever think about the stuff in between. Why? That's human nature. When we want something, we don't worry about the other stuff.

Nobody is the perfect mom. I don't care who claims to be. I don't care if you cloth diaper, breastfeed, formula feed, make your baby food, wear your baby, WHATEVER. This isn't a contest. This isn't about, " I deserve a baby more than you, because you've already had one baby".

That's what this entry is about. I can tell I've upset some people because I'm pregnant again. Maybe I should be a little more sensitive to those around me, but this is a happy time for me and my family, and most likely our last child. So, we'd like to enjoy it.

We truly were blessed, and we're about to be blessed a second time. I trust God. I trust him with all of my heart. I look to him everywhere I go, to give me the strength to know what I'm doing, to do what I need to do.

I hope in my heart of hearts, that all the women going through infertility, beat it, and go on to have many children. Merry Christmas, and have a very HAPPY New Year.

Christmas spirit

With all the stores and everybody putting up their decor for Christmas, I can't help but get in the Christmas Spirit. I'm such a hypocrite lol. We bought a new tree, because the one we got in base at Aafes in Germany 2 years ago took a crap after only one year. So, Home depot had a tree by Home Accents for 99 bucks! It was originally 140. So, we really got lucky. I bought two 18 piece bulb set for 5 bucks a piece at home depot as well. I got gold and silver. Very pretty. We also bought some gold and red ribbon, an made the tree topper with it. Bought out tree skirt for 10 bucks at Wal-mart.

I went and got my haircut yesterday which I desperately needed. I was hesitant to go to so an expensive place, but I gave it shot, and I think I found "my" stylist. It was 30 for a wash and cut, and she was even nice enough to style it for free. I love it. As soon as you walk in they give you a tour of the place, offer you something cold or hot to drink, and then give you a scalp massage before washing your hair. After I was done, Michael wasn't back from Petsmart just yet and they were about to close, but were nice enough to let me stay until Michael got back. So, I think they've got a loyal customer now.

After that, we took Nora to see Santa at Bass Pro. If you have one in your area, you should go because they give you a FREE 4x6 photo when you see the big guy himself. Nora really liked him, but did not like his "little helpers" and cried immediately after they took the picture. She has the "what the hell look" on her face in her photo lol. It was a fun time though.

Anyways, we had a great day yesterday. We sold our old tree today, and bought what we needed for the cheese ball I'm making for Thanksgiving. It's delish =D

All you need is cream cheese (about 2 boxes of philly cream cheese), chopped green onion, shredded sharp cheddar, and crumbled bacon. crumble some pecans onto wax paper, and roll the ball until covered completely, and enjoy with your favorite cracker. There are no measurements. Add as much as you'd like. You can put anything you want in a cheese ball. When you put the bacon in, make sure to dab all grease off, otherwise it will make your ball runny. Bacon needs to be extra crispy too!

Our Weekend

I haven't really been in on much the last few days.

A lot has gone in the past few days. One is that Nora and I are both sick. First time Nora's been this kind of sick in her life. Her first cold. I haven't been sick in about 2 years or more. I'm just in a funk. I tried to keep her from getting it. Michael even took care of her the past few days, A.  because I needed the break, and B. because I'm sick and I wanted to keep the baby from getting whatever it was I had.

My fil ( Father in law )came to visit which was fun. We all went out to Applebees for Veterans Day. The boys got a free meal which was nice. It was a pretty good meal.

Friday, we went Olive Garden and did some grocery shopping. We got Nora an activity table for Christmas by Fisher Price. It has a telephone, laptop type thing, a book, and a couple other little things to go along with it. That should keep her busy.

Saturday we went to mall. I went into Sears where I nearly threw a fit because they no longer carry "short" or "petite" jeans. It's so hard for me to find jeans because of my stature. I should not have to order my stuff online. I LOVED Kohls, but they also no longer carry short. What a bummer! I also noticed they has already decorated for Christmas. Santa's chair was out and Christmas decor was everywhere. Can we please get through Thanksgiving first? Christmas is so commercialized anymore and I find it extremely annoying. It's not about the toys, or how much money you spend. It's about Jesus Christ, tradition and togetherness. I mean, I LOVE Christmas, but I'd really like to enjoy Thanksgiving too. Anyways, I did find a nice pair of jeans at TJ Maxx for 16 bucks. I love their home decor too. Name brand, normally expensive stuff, for discounted prices; can't beat that.

Today I woke up to find Nora with a very snotty nose. She acts fine. In fact, I don't think she cares much, but I know she's sick. She sounds so congested and her little nose is 10 kinds of runny. I'm so glad my mom got her our Vicks vaporizer. I've been using her bulb syringe and Tylenol too. She seems a little better since this morning. Michael also went out and bought the Ipad today. I sent him out for buns and tampons and he came back with a friggin' Ipad. I wasn't too mad, but I wish we had talked about it a little more. He did say that would be his part of next years tax check. He also never splurges like that, so I couldn't be mad at him. It is actually a nifty "little" gadget. He also let me buy some clothes online. So, I splurged a little too. He's taking me to get my hair dyed and cut Friday. I need it. I need a little pampering once in a while.

Oh, here are a few clothing store I shop at for my clothing. Alloy, Delias, and American Eagle are my favs. Oh, and everything at 15dollarstore.com IS 15 dollars. These are name brand clothing items, brand new. (online)

15dollarstore.com
delias.com
ae.com
alloy.com

Book review

I finished reading "Driving With Dead People" today. It's a memoir by a woman named Monica Holloway.  She talks about her abusive childhood and all of her trials and tribulations in life. From an abusive father, an uncaring, selfish mother whom denied and ignored her husbands abuse towards all the children, all of her relationships, and the twist towards the end involving her sister. Very good book. I give it a 4 out of 5 stars. I only give it 4 because There were a couple times during the book where I got so bored with the rambling and just wanted to skip to the climaxes in the story. Other than that, great book. I would definitely recommend it. I got mine for 1 cent on Amazon. Of course the shipping was 4 dollars. Brand new it would be $10, plus 4 to 5 dollars for shipping. So I think I got a pretty good deal. Used isn't a bad thing.

The inevitable

Seeing people, even ones I don't know go through a miscarriage is heartbreaking. When I hear about one, it makes me flash back to every single one of my miscarriages and how I felt the moment I found out I was losing a child. It does not get easier with each miscarriage, it makes you numb. Very numb. Unless you've experienced it, it's just not something words can describe. It's something felt. It's an awful, dark, lonely, sad, angry place.

I remember the first time I saw a positive pregnancy test. I was the happiest I'd ever been in my entire life. I'm not even joking. I ran down the hallway to show Michael who was ghost white when I showed him. I was so happy, so enthralled with the thought of becoming a mother, I called and told everybody I knew, I began looking at baby things online, and coming up with baby names. I wasn't even 5 weeks. I miscarried a little over 5 weeks. I will never forget the words that came out of the doctors mouth; so harsh and insensitive, "Yeah, looks like you're losing the baby".  I remember belting out a huge cry, one that could not be controlled. I lay there on a hospital bed, with an contraptions all over, an ultrasound machine that was on, but showed nothing. I just couldn't understand. I asked God why he allowed this to happen. I went home that night knowing I had lost a child. It was the awful.

My second pregnancy turned into a cycle only a day after testing positive, so I didn't work myself up over it as much.

When I had my third miscarriage, I just flipped. I was so tired of it. I was tired of these "doctors" letting this happen. I knew something was wrong with me, preventing me from having a normal pregnancy. I just broke down on the hospital bed. I screamed, I cried, I was so mad. I remember the nurse who checked us in came in to check on me, just on her own, out of concern. I told her what happened with tears running down my face. She wrapped her arms around me and just held me. Here is this woman who barely knows me, holding me, comforting me. I meant a lot, but now means so much more. That hug from her really did a lot for me. I can't even explain it. A simple hug did so much. When we went to the ultrasound room to confirm what we already knew, we found out we were probably pregnant with twins. One outside the womb and the other, not even big enough to measure, no heartbeat, nothing. I was so hurt. We already KNEW I was miscarrying, why they had to make it hurt even more by showing me an empty screen, was beyond me.

I hate thinking about the past. I hate reliving the losses I had. I don't dwell on it anymore, but of course I still think about all 5 of my babies, and I will always hold a place for them in my heart.

Hearing about all these other mommies losing their babies, just brought me back. I remember every bit of hurt, the holes left in my heart. I just wanted to say, it does get better with time. It really does. After my 5th miscarriage, I basically just threw my hands in the air and told god to take control, because obviously I had none.  After that, I became pregnant with Nora. He gave me the miracle I longed for. I am so grateful.

Remember to take time to yourself, remember the ones who love you, and remember GOD above all else loves you.

I'm Not Super Woman

I seriously want to break down and cry. I love being a mom, and I love being a wife, but I rarely get a break. I cannot do everything on my own. I just can't. I try really hard to please everybody. I'm in mommy mode 24/7 and I don't believe it's healthy to be around your child all the time. A mother needs time to herself as well.


Michael, and I'm sure some other people would say different. I know Michael would. I'm sorry, but you go to work 5 days a week, and get paid for doing your job. I work 7 days a week, 24/7, 365. When the heck do I get to sick down and take a break?


Oh, I have a MASSIVE kidney infection that I let go too long, so now my kidneys are probably damaged. You know why I didn't go to the doctor? A: Because I felt like I am an inconvenience, and B, because I have a baby to take care of. I put myself last all the time. I either put myself last or without, and honestly, I don't mind, but sometimes I want something in return. Be it a whole day to myself just to relax, read a book, or nap. SOMETHING! 


I swear, I don't ask for anything. I always put everybody ahead of myself because I like to make my family happy. I do it, because if I don't, then I feel awful and selfish. I don't even like to complain about it. I feel this is what's expected of me. I'll admit I'm not the most organized person in the world. I try though, having a billion things to juggle at once is hard.


I'm thinking of making a schedule and putting it on the wall somehwere in the kitchen. Doing the laundry one day, the living room the next, and so on. I think if I just had a balanced daily schedule, I could accomplish a lot more and feel less overwhelmed. Though that does not substitute 'me' time. 

I don't want it to sound like Michael is a bad father or husband, because he isn't, but he doesn't realize being a SAHM is more than it seems. And that goes to all moms and dads who work outside the home. Being a SAHM doesn't mean just sitting around and doing nothing. Some days, may be lazy ( at least for me ) but most days, it's cleaning, cooking, playing, and tending to our childs/rens beck and call. 


I also realize I'm not the only mother who goes through this, but I'm one of those women who talk about it, and to let them know they are not alone. I'm a complainer, but I'm real. That's who I am; take it or leave it.

It's Easier Said Than Done

I know it's 7 months from now, but Michael is deploying next year and the thought of being alone, without him, basically being a single mom scares the crap out of me. Luckily, he will only be in Florida, but I kid you not, I've not once, in my life ever been alone. Now that I'm a mom, I have to do this on my own, and having a fear of driving is going to test me. I REALLY need to buckle down and just get in the car and go. I've driven several times, but freaked out part of the time. I can't seem to do it alone. 

I pray these 6 months show me how strong I am, rather than the other way around. I don't know why this anxiety of doing things on my own consumes me so much. I have to do this for my daughter though. If I can't gather the strength for myself, I HAVE to do it for her. She definitely makes me want to better myself. 


I will miss Michael for those 6 months, but maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Maybe this is my chance to "man up" if you will,  and just do this. If I can, I'd also like to start going to church. Just get in the car and go. I think if I can get this done, and prove to myself I can do it, my anxiety and fears would diminish greatly. I mean, if when it comes down to it, I have no option but to do it. 

I cannot go through life living in fear and feeling the dread of not being able to be on my own, or drive a car. I can sit here and say, " I can do this", but I know doing it is the hardest part, and I know there will be good days, and bad days, but I hope I come out of it with a sense of accomplishment. 

I will continue to gather my faith, praise Jesus, and do what I want to do with my life. He, my husband, and my daughter are my motivation.

I've been meaning to write for a couple of days now. I only like to write when I really feel compelled to do so. 

I have been doing a lot of thinking about the past few years. It kind of hit me last night, that I take a lot for granted or maybe just haven't thought about how much the little things mean. I didn't really mean to, but since my first miscarriage in 2007, life has been a blur. I could not see passed the heartbreak, sadness, and anger. 


I'm doing a lot better mentally these days. I try to find the good in everyone and everything. Sometimes that's really hard, but I try. My ppd has diminished greatly, and I can see a lot more clearly now. I wake up happier, I go to sleep happier, I enjoy life a lot more now, and I couldn't ask for anything more. 


Sure, there are hose days where I get stressed, depressed, or consumed with anxiety, but I'm working through it and it's getting better. 


In other news, Nora is 7 months old as of yesterday. She sits up perfectly now, and even crawls... on occasion. She uses her arms to scoot where she wants to go. Babbles all the time. It makes me smile. There is nothing like baby babble =0)


Michael is deploying next year. Thankfully it's after Nora's birthday, so that's a plus. I was worried he wouldn't be home for it. He will also be home in time for the holidays next year. I can't complain. I'm thankful. And luckily this is an easy deployment. It's in Tampa lol. Although, he always has the risk of being sent from Tampa to the sand box, but I try not to think about that. 


Anyways, I've got a baby needing some attention and dinner that needs to be made. Have a great week!

Book Reviews

I think I'm going to start reading more, and doing a book review afterward. I got the book I ordered yesterday.

Holloway's candid story starts out innocently enough as she describes her eccentric family, especially her father, who loved "talking gore" and kept a movie camera in his pick-up for filming gruesome wrecks. Monica, too, has an obsession with death, and revels in her friendship with a mortician's daughter and their access to postmortems. When Monica reaches her teen years, her parents divorce. Her mother then decides it's "her turn," and she goes back to college, often leaving Monica and her next oldest sister alone. Holloway perceptively writes about hurtful moments embedded in her memory, such as her parents repeatedly telling her that her birth was a "mistake," and her mother's selfish refusal to pay for treatment for a kidney infection. The final piece of this dysfunctional family's puzzle falls into place when the oldest sister begins to remember being molested by their father; so, too, does Monica. Amidst a burgeoning number of abuse memoirs, Holloway's shines because of her deft handling of the small details while painstakingly assembling the larger picture.

I started reading it yesterday and so far it's okay. I haven't truly gotten into it just yet, but it sounded like an interesting read. 

October 15th

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I did not create the holiday, but I made an "event" on Facebook. If you'd like to "attend" click on the link and do so. at 7 pm your time, please light a candle in remembrance of these little angels we've lost. Even if you've never lost a child, please attend and light your candle. 


A person is a person, no matter how small - Dr. Suess


click here to visit the event =0)

Yes, it's true, only God can judge me.

I know if a lot of people know this, but if you know ME, then you know I'm somebody who lays it all out on the table. I don't hold back normally, at least not these days. I'm an emotional person, and If I'm happy, sad, or mad, I want the whole damn world to know; that's just me, that's who I am. I think a lot of the people I know think I'm a nut case, but what's wrong with being real? That's who I am, and if you can't accept that, then you don't belong in my life. I'm not changing who I am to be accepted.  

I think I've spent too much of my time and what little energy I already have to please other people. It's true when they say, It's so hard to please other people happy, but it's easy to piss them off. Maybe some of my aspirations in life aren't like yours; maybe some of my priorities in life aren't like yours; maybe my view on certain issues aren't like yours, but does that mean they're wrong? No. It means, I have opinions, and different views on life, but that shouldn't matter.

I spend way too much time worrying about what other people think. I don't even know why. Actually, I do. I think society has taught us that we have to be a size 0, that we have to fit in to a certain crowd, agree with certain opinions, and act a certain way to be accepted. Well, that's not how or who I want to be. 


All I want is to be me; I want friends who accept me for ME; Family who will accept me for ME. I also think that's why so many people deal with social anxiety, or any anxiety for that matter. We are so wrapped up in what other people think. It's sickening. 


Live for you and your family.  They are the only ones that matter.. besides Jesus Christ of course =0)

PPD

I cannot even stress enough how horrible ppd is. It's AWFUL. It's a terrible, dark, mind altering state that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I still think my past losses caused my ppd, but I can't say that for sure. I dealt with depression before I ever got pregnant on and off, and I know women who suffered from depression prior to pregnancy were at risk for developing ppd.

What does this say for future pregnancies though? A lot. I have a 50% chance of getting again if we ever got pregnant in the future. That makes me sad. I mean, I don't plan on getting pregnant for a couple to few years, if ever. Maybe I'm only meant to have one child, but only God knows. All my love and focus is on Nora, and I feel if we had another baby too soon, it would be really hard. Plus, I don't need two in diapers.

Yes, the thought of another baby is nice, but definitely not anytime soon. I have a lot of things to work through still and Nora needs me right now. I don't see how some women TRY to get pregnant only a couple months or so after they give birth. I think that is extremely selfish. You should spend time getting to know the baby you just had, and bonding with them, not making more babies. To me that says, "I'm trying to fill a void". Yes, all children are blessings, but you have free will, I believe you can control conception.

I just feel like I was gypped. I wanted to get pregnant, I wanted my daughter, and I'm so happy I had her, but I did not have that rush of emotions most women get when their child is born. Of course, they had drugged me up with some kind of medication prior to the epidural. Then she had to be in the NICU the first week of her life, which definitely messes with ones emotions. There are so many possibilities as to what caused my ppd. Maybe it was just as simple as "It just happened", who knows.

If god has another baby in store for us, that is fine, but for now we are content. I'm grateful for my daughter, and I don't know where I'd be without her.

It gets better

It's amazing the damage one can do to another, mentally and emotionally. To break somebody down because they are so unhappy; to hurt another person because they are so miserable or selfish. Seeing people I love hurting, hurts me. It's so easy to break a persons spirit, so why do it? Is it because they don't see what they are doing, or because they just don't care? I'll never know.

I wish I could make things better those people. As somebody who dealt with abuse, I can completely relate to the hurt and struggle through everyday life. Even if you don't have contact with that person, the impact they made on your life lives on. It's something that hard to overcome.

I learned something recently; We are completely in control of the people we bring in and around our lives. We have the power to let them hurt us, and the power to kick them to the curb, but it's so much easier said than done. My point is, we can control our happiness. Sometimes that takes a little help, be it therapy, medications, etc, but there is no shame is asking for help. When we're that broken, that tired, that worn down, sometimes we do need help. We're only human, we can only do so much before we break down. The strongest people can't always be on top of their game. 

I can't really indulge what this is about, but I hope if the person I'm writing about reads this, that they know how much I love them, and know it will get better. It has to. 

Hey, I remember you!

So I wanted to talk about my rekindling with god. First, let me start by saying, I'm not the perfect Christian. I'm not, and I'll be the first to admit that I'm not. Of course, I don't know anybody who is. When I was in 4th grade, my aunt passed away from cancer, from there on I told myself, god no longer existed, and from there on out, he didn't. I still prayed to him, but my heart was not in it. Before she passed away, I went to church quite often. It just wasn't the same after she died. Through the years I just couldn't properly give my hear to him, nothing I said or did, worked, and after all the crap I dealt with, I just had no room in my life for him. I blamed him for every bad thing that happened to me. Then I realized, he's not hurting me, the people I surrounded myself around were hurting me, I was putting MYSELF in situations that were hurting me. God would never hurt me. 


I think one question that upsets me now, and I was guilty of asking it; " If there was a god, why does he allow all these bad things to happen to people?" First off, god gave us free will, we are our own worst enemy and if we have put ourselves in the position to get hurt, it's OUR fault. You know the best way to deal with those kinds of situations? Learn from them. That is how it works, we fall of the horse, we get back on. God wants us to make the right decisions. Now, if we're talking about things we simply cannot control, like cancer or something, that's different. God knew before you were even conceived, you would get cancer. He did not just "give" you cancer. Somehow, someway, it happened. Lets say you or somebody you know died from cancer, how do we know dying is such a bad thing? We all look at death in the wrong light, in my opinion. It's terrible for the living, for the ones mourning, because yes, we will miss that person, their physical being is gone, we won't be able to see or touch them anymore, but I believe in heaven, and I cannot imagine heaven being a terrible place. I think another thing that gets me now, is people who try to disprove god exists. Can't FEELING be believing? Is seeing really the only way to prove something is real? Maybe that sounds stupid, but ever since I gave my life back to Christ, my life FEELS fulfilled. My life is different, it just feels different. 


All I know, is that god has given me a second chance. He gave me a wonderful husband, and a miracle named Nora. That is how I know god exists.


By the way, no matter what you believe, if you're agnostic, atheist,  Jewish, Wiccan, w/e, I'm not judging you. I believe in freedom of religion. W/e fulfills your heart, and your life is fine with me =0)

HI!

It's been some time since I last wrote. I've neglected this blog for too long. I need to start updating at least once a week. I know family likes to read it, so I'll try and do a better job at updating. 

Anyways, Nora is now 6 and half months old. WHAT?! Seriously, time is flying. I know the next few will fly by too. She sits up on her own now. Not all the time, because it's still new to her, but she does quite often. She is SOo close to crawling. She gets up on all fours perfectly, then lays on her belly. I know she knows what to do. It's just a matter of time. She says, "Mama ( she said that first ), and for the first time today said Dada. She is so smart.  She is babbling up a storm as of late. I love it. She is becoming her own little person.

As for me, I'm doing okay. I battled REALLY hard with ppd. I still deal with it from time to time, mainly anxiety, but it's getting better. They say the first year of parenthood is the hardest. I've said this many times before, I believe my miscarriages really caused me to have ppd. I was not able to bond with Nora during my pregnancy. It hurts me to say that, but I'm bonding with her more now, and I enjoy it. I love with with all of my heart. I recently found god and I'm devoting my life to Jesus, and with him in my life again, I'd be lost. My husband is as understanding as he can be. I know he doesn't get it, but he tries to. He's an amazing father and I could never ask for anything more.

I'm dealing with a lot of demons from my past, and it's been some challenge to get deal with them. I still have a long ways to go, but I'm trying. I'm really make an effort. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and I think maybe I need to stop and just go with the flow. I definitely think to much and I think that causes me to go into a deep depression. I do want to go to college in the next couple years though. I just want to give my daughter the best life I can. I don't know any mother that doesn't want that for her child. She is my world and I would do anything for her.

Can you all believe it's already October? I sure can't. Where did the year go? I'm ready for the cooler weather, time with family, and food. I love the holidays. I think I'm going to attempt to make fudge this Christmas. I was too tired last Christmas, and I was afraid I'd screw it up. It's not easy to make, and I'm kind of a novice when it comes to baking from scratch, but practice makes perfect I suppose.
Well, time to get ready for bed. Have a great week.

Induction

Going to the hospital tomorrow. Going to be induced on Wednesday though. Doctor just thinks it's time, and of course I couldn't agree more lol. Plus, since Michael has a 6 week course in the military coming up in April, I will need him the 10 days he gets from maternity leave. Especially if I have a c-section and/or post partum depression. My husbands birthday is tomorrow too. Michael and I will be updating my twitter account during the "active" hours of labor and delivery. So, click here to check out updates. For those of you who are not computer, or internet savvy, you do NOT have to sign up to view updates. It's just like this website is, you can view without signing up. We are doing this, so we don't have to call so many people. Will of course call once she is born, but this is to update you on labor progression.

Wish us luck, and please keep us in your prayers. If clicking on the link does not work, copy and paste this link http://twitter.com/emilygribble

37 weeks

It's been quite some time since I updated. I've just been overwhelmed. SO much to do, so much going on, so little time. I've not been feeling too hot the last week or so. My stomach has been upset, I get nausea, no sleep ( mainly due to being uncomfortable, and just overall fear of being a first time mom.

at my appt last week, we had an ultrasound, just to check and see if baby was head down, and estimate how much she weighs. She is already estimated to weigh 7 pounds and some oz. Kinda big, but rather her be big than too small. And she is head down, which I already knew, because I can feel it lol. We did a non stress stress as well, and did fine with that, other than the fact she wouldn't let us get a good reading. She does NOT like being pushed on and will move constantly if you try to get her heart rate. So, it took about 10 to 15 minutes to get a reading. Did our first cervical check, of course there was no dilation. Even with all the pressure and pains I've been having, nothing, absolutely nothing. I was however about 50% effaced. Our next appt. is tomorrow, maybe I will have made SOME progress. Wishful thinking, I'm sure.

Gizmo is sick. Not for sure what is wrong, but I think he may have pancreatitis again. He went to the vet yesterday because I found blood in his stool, which they "ruled out", but I know I saw blood. I even brought the stool sample with me, which they didn't look at, they took a sample themselves and found no blood, but that doesn't mean he didn't have it. Anyways, they basically said there was nothing wrong with him, other than his ear infection. However, now he isn't holding ANYTHING down. He is vomiting. He won't eat, but he did drink some water this morning, so that is good. I am sure he is probably dehydrated. I'm going to have hubby get him some rice. He should be in a bland diet for a couple of days. I hope he would eat it though. He just doesn't want to eat and if he does, he throws up. He throws up no matter what. They gave us some meds to harden his stool, but he just throws it right back up. He's not too lethargic, but I can tell he is a little weak and tired. So, hopefully they will see us tomorrow. I'm sure they will though. Hopefully it's just a small stomach bug. I feel bad for him and wish I could make him better.

Well, should get going. And congrats to morningglory on her new arrivals. your twins are just precious! I wish you nothing, but the best.

It's true

A friend of mine said you do a lot of soul searching whilst pregnant. How true that is. This whole pregnancy, I have done a lot of thinking, and it would be stupid to say, my mind hasn't stopped since I found out I was pregnant, obviously, because you are always thinking, but what I'm trying to get at is that I have just done so much thinking and soul searching, but at the same time, I still have a hard time believing I'm going to have a baby. It's so surreal to me. My miscarriages really turned me off to the thought of having children, and they really did take away the innocence of pregnancy away from me. I haven't truly been able to enjoy my pregnancy, because we've gone through so many miscarriages. While they were all early on, you never stop questioning things. It was really bad the first 23 to 24 weeks. I was terrrrrrified about losing out daughter or that their might be something genetically wrong with her or something. I would say, some of those are normally "mommy fears", but I drove myself crazy with these thoughts. So, even still, I ask myself are these rational or irrational thoughts? We've been through so many losses, I just cannot fully get myself to understand, okay you're having a baby, and soon.

I honestly believe I suffered and still possibly suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. I don't think some people realize, both those who have never experienced the loss of a child, and those who have, but don't recognize the symptoms of ptsd, just how bad it messes up a person. It really, REALLY messes you up. On top of that, try having doctors who didn't care about your losses, who continually let them happen, when all along you knew what the problem was, but they still insisted it was just due to 'bad luck'. Losing one is hard, losing 5... I'm not trying to measure pain, but when you go through that many losses, you die inside. I know that sounds awful, but it's true. You become so numb, so bitter, so angry, depressed.. no feeling is a good feeling. It's just a dark, lonely world to live in.

Of course I had the people who made the wrong comments you should just NEVER, EVER say to somebody who has lost a baby. Repeating them will do me no good though. While you may not understand when somebody loses a baby, try to empathize with them. The only thing that you should say to them is, " I'm sorry, I love you, and if you need me I'm always here." Don't try to justify why it happened, that is the wrong thing to say.

I had counseling, but we just weren't clicking. We were stationed in Germany when we had all of our miscarriages, and for some odd reason, they couldn't see me on base for counseling, so they sent me off base to a German counselor. She was a nice woman, but the language barrier was terrible. How am I supposed to relay to you how I feel, when you can't comprehend what I'm saying, vice versa? So, I stopped seeing her.

I don't want to leave the impression that I'm ungrateful I'm pregnant. That definitely is not the case, I'm only writing this because it's been on my mind lately. I am truly grateful I'm having my miracle baby. It has been a long, hard road, and I'm so happy to finally be this far. I am still scared something could happen, but I have been trying to live for today, to cherish each and every moment. I love my daughter and cannot wait to see her beautiful face.

Anyways, our 3rd wedding anniversary is this Sunday (Valentines Day). Tomorrow night we are taking my father in law to his sisters in Georgia, to stay for however long he wants to. We are going to stay one night and come back home after that. We don't really have much planned ( that I'm aware of). Unless he has something up his sleeve. I did actually go with the message in a bottle thing. It was nice, but the price was a bit much. I probably could have made it myself now that I think about it. He loved it though, and I'm glad he did. I love him so much.

I hope you all have a great rest of the week and a wonderful weekend.

33 weeks

So, here I am at 33 weeks. I'm tired, I'm cranky.. I feel as though at any moment I could probably deck the next person who looks at me wrong, or says the wrong thing. I won't even bother going into that because obviously I'm not entitled to feel how I feel. A lot of people have made me feel that way the last two days. Not my husband or anything, just people on Facebook.

Anyways, I'm 8 and half months pregnant. My sanity is truly in question lately. I am really ready for Nora to get here. I know she isn't ready yet, so I will just have to complain about it until then. Michael is ready too. He is getting so excited. Michael excited about things? Yes, it's true. Sure, he isn't jumping up and down, but the way he looks at me, and talks about her says it all. He is even referring to her as "Nora" now. We both had trouble at first, because for over 6 months we were calling her, her.

Nothing much to update on though. Had our two week check up on Monday. Doctor went over our birth plan, and had no complaints about it. So, good to go there. Anywho, I'm tired, so I'm going to lay down. Attached is my 33 weeks maternity picture.

Almost February

Wow, it's almost February. Michael and I will be celebrating our three year wedding anniversary. For those who don't know, my husband and I were married on Valentines Day. We were married in Germany, where we were stationed. I'm not sure what we plan on doing. I heard from a friend about this thing called messageinabottle.com Check it out. I'm thinking about going with that. It's cute, romantic, and unique. I don't know. I just want to go all out. This will be our last anniversary as a "couple". I want to do something very special. Last year we went to Berlin. I don't know if anything can top that lol. Especially if you saw where we stayed. I know whatever I do he will love it, and I know I will love whatever he does for me. On my birthday just the card he picked out and what he wrote made me cry. I believe it's the littlest things that count. I don't really care what we do, as long as we are doing it together.

I am 31 weeks as of last Friday. Time is flying. Still have so much to do and get. I have attached a video of Nora (yes, this is her name. Nora Taylor to be exact) moving around. Skip forward to about 1:08 mark.

Just updating

It's been nearly two weeks since my last update. I guess I could say it's been somewhat eventful. We are now being seen every two weeks. Our last appointment was on the the 4th. I had my glucose test, which I passed by the way. Then we saw the doctor, and just talked a bit. I told him I had been having braxton hicks contractions, on and off for the past 3 or so weeks. He said as long as I'm not getting more than 6 in an hour, then I should be fine. Well wouldn't you know, I ended up in labor and delivery that night for having way more than 6 in an hour, and they were actually regularly patterned. They went from 5 to 2 minutes a part. I tried walking, drinking more water ( even though I drink nearly 7 or more glasses a day) and I took a nice warm shower. The shower seemed to slow them down, but I was not taking any chances. We went ahead and went to L&D. I was hooked up to the monitors and they watched me for about an hour. Then the nurse came in and said I was having a few mild contractions and gave me a shot to stop them. Honestly, I wish she had told me more about this shot. I am pretty sure I know what it was ( now ) and it has not been approved by the FDA. I know she was only doing her job, but the only thing she told me would happen would be the my heart rate would go up, as would the babys. However, I found a ton of info on the shot that actually scares me. Next time they offer it ( god forbid ) I will not be taking it. There are just too many possible side effects. Anyways, while I was hooked up to the monitors, she got the hiccups. It was the funniest thing. At first I did not know what it was, and then it dawned on me; she was having the hiccups. I couldn't stop laughing. And it's a funny sound when you're laughing, while hooked up to a heart monitor. The nurse came in and gave me a weird look ( out of confusion ) and I told her the baby was having hiccups. I got real quiet so she could hear, and she's like " oh my gosh she is lol" Soo cute. Anyways, long story short, we are fine. It was an adventure.

Michael and I have decided on a name. I pray we don't change it, but I honestly like it, and he does too. He chose the first name.. well he came up with it I mean. Nora. I chose Lynn for a middle name. The original plan was to have her middle name be Lenora, after my great grandmother. However, it has been a struggle finding a name that not only flows well with Lenora, but isn't overly used. So it's still Lenora, just backwards lol.

I have not been getting much sleep. I will go to sleep for about 3 maybe 4 hours and wake up feeling as though I've slept the whole night, and then end up sleeping during the day. It's annoying. Not to mention I have developed severe restless leg syndrome. I also get it in my arms from time to time. It's awful, and sadly there is nothing I can do about it. So that too keeps me awake. Walking around is the only thing that helps, and that is awful when all you want to do is sleep. They say only 15-20% of pregnant women will develope RLS. Of course I fall into this 15-20% lol. Oh well.

Well, I should get going. My mind is racing and I'm pretty tired. Ciao!

Happy New Year 2010!

For some it isn't so pleasent. I hope those of you who are going through personal issues, are able to find solice so you can enjoy the year. I know some of you have been going through a lot. Be it illness or just rotten luck. I hope this year is better!

Michael and I had a relaxing night at home. I made cheese pretzels which were deeeeelish. He bought himself a bottle of sparkling wine, and I sipped on some welches sparkling white grape "wine", and we watched the ball drop. Also, I had no clue getting a kiss for new year was tradition, or good luck. Am I allowed to have one now? Does it still count?

Anyways, I don't really have a new years resolution. I prefer to just go with the flow. I can make goals any time of year. I'm excited, and nervous, about what the new year holds for me. This baby will definitely be the highlight lol. I was reminded I only have 12 more weeks.. that isn't much time. I am so nervous about becoming a first time mom. It's still just so.. surreal to me. Almost as if I cannot wake myself up to remind myself.. 'hello this is real, and it will become even more real in a few short weeks'. I think my biggest concern, actually it is, is that I won't be a good mother. Why am I thinking like that? I have wanted this for so long, and now I'm beyond terrified. It's a whole new ball game when you're the one that is expecting a baby.

If I hear one more person comment on how big I am, I'm going to drop kick them. I do not need to be reminded of my weight, thank you. It's rude. Please stop. No shit, I'm 7 months pregnant and only 5'1". I hate even going in public now, because people will purposely turn around to stare at me. I had some woman and her husband turn around and almost giggle at me. I asked them if they had a staring problem, but obviously it wasn't loud enough for them to hear me. The rude stares and the just staring me down in general really upset me. Yes, I'm pregnant. No, this is not a beer belly I'm sporting. It's one thing to look at me and smile, with a sincere smile, it's another to look at me like I'm a cow, or an unwed teenaged mother. This mainly happens in Walmart, and last time I checked their were funnier looking characters walking around that place. People with their teeth missing, people who are over 300 pounds wearing mini skirts, people not wearing shoes.. The list goes on and on. It's just plain annoying and rude. I'm starting to believe "southern hospitality" doesn't really exsist.

It's a new year, I shouldn't be complaining already. Though, if you know me, you know I don't do much without complaining. It gets me through my days.

I hope 2010 is a wonderful year for all of us. I hope it brings you everything you could possibly want and more. I guess if I had to pick a new years resolution; it would be to live life now, rather than worrying about the past and the future. That is really hard for me. Not unrealistic though.

Happy New Year!