Tuesday, November 2, 2010

The inevitable

Seeing people, even ones I don't know go through a miscarriage is heartbreaking. When I hear about one, it makes me flash back to every single one of my miscarriages and how I felt the moment I found out I was losing a child. It does not get easier with each miscarriage, it makes you numb. Very numb. Unless you've experienced it, it's just not something words can describe. It's something felt. It's an awful, dark, lonely, sad, angry place.

I remember the first time I saw a positive pregnancy test. I was the happiest I'd ever been in my entire life. I'm not even joking. I ran down the hallway to show Michael who was ghost white when I showed him. I was so happy, so enthralled with the thought of becoming a mother, I called and told everybody I knew, I began looking at baby things online, and coming up with baby names. I wasn't even 5 weeks. I miscarried a little over 5 weeks. I will never forget the words that came out of the doctors mouth; so harsh and insensitive, "Yeah, looks like you're losing the baby".  I remember belting out a huge cry, one that could not be controlled. I lay there on a hospital bed, with an contraptions all over, an ultrasound machine that was on, but showed nothing. I just couldn't understand. I asked God why he allowed this to happen. I went home that night knowing I had lost a child. It was the awful.

My second pregnancy turned into a cycle only a day after testing positive, so I didn't work myself up over it as much.

When I had my third miscarriage, I just flipped. I was so tired of it. I was tired of these "doctors" letting this happen. I knew something was wrong with me, preventing me from having a normal pregnancy. I just broke down on the hospital bed. I screamed, I cried, I was so mad. I remember the nurse who checked us in came in to check on me, just on her own, out of concern. I told her what happened with tears running down my face. She wrapped her arms around me and just held me. Here is this woman who barely knows me, holding me, comforting me. I meant a lot, but now means so much more. That hug from her really did a lot for me. I can't even explain it. A simple hug did so much. When we went to the ultrasound room to confirm what we already knew, we found out we were probably pregnant with twins. One outside the womb and the other, not even big enough to measure, no heartbeat, nothing. I was so hurt. We already KNEW I was miscarrying, why they had to make it hurt even more by showing me an empty screen, was beyond me.

I hate thinking about the past. I hate reliving the losses I had. I don't dwell on it anymore, but of course I still think about all 5 of my babies, and I will always hold a place for them in my heart.

Hearing about all these other mommies losing their babies, just brought me back. I remember every bit of hurt, the holes left in my heart. I just wanted to say, it does get better with time. It really does. After my 5th miscarriage, I basically just threw my hands in the air and told god to take control, because obviously I had none.  After that, I became pregnant with Nora. He gave me the miracle I longed for. I am so grateful.

Remember to take time to yourself, remember the ones who love you, and remember GOD above all else loves you.

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