I'm Not Super Woman

I seriously want to break down and cry. I love being a mom, and I love being a wife, but I rarely get a break. I cannot do everything on my own. I just can't. I try really hard to please everybody. I'm in mommy mode 24/7 and I don't believe it's healthy to be around your child all the time. A mother needs time to herself as well.


Michael, and I'm sure some other people would say different. I know Michael would. I'm sorry, but you go to work 5 days a week, and get paid for doing your job. I work 7 days a week, 24/7, 365. When the heck do I get to sick down and take a break?


Oh, I have a MASSIVE kidney infection that I let go too long, so now my kidneys are probably damaged. You know why I didn't go to the doctor? A: Because I felt like I am an inconvenience, and B, because I have a baby to take care of. I put myself last all the time. I either put myself last or without, and honestly, I don't mind, but sometimes I want something in return. Be it a whole day to myself just to relax, read a book, or nap. SOMETHING! 


I swear, I don't ask for anything. I always put everybody ahead of myself because I like to make my family happy. I do it, because if I don't, then I feel awful and selfish. I don't even like to complain about it. I feel this is what's expected of me. I'll admit I'm not the most organized person in the world. I try though, having a billion things to juggle at once is hard.


I'm thinking of making a schedule and putting it on the wall somehwere in the kitchen. Doing the laundry one day, the living room the next, and so on. I think if I just had a balanced daily schedule, I could accomplish a lot more and feel less overwhelmed. Though that does not substitute 'me' time. 

I don't want it to sound like Michael is a bad father or husband, because he isn't, but he doesn't realize being a SAHM is more than it seems. And that goes to all moms and dads who work outside the home. Being a SAHM doesn't mean just sitting around and doing nothing. Some days, may be lazy ( at least for me ) but most days, it's cleaning, cooking, playing, and tending to our childs/rens beck and call. 


I also realize I'm not the only mother who goes through this, but I'm one of those women who talk about it, and to let them know they are not alone. I'm a complainer, but I'm real. That's who I am; take it or leave it.

It's Easier Said Than Done

I know it's 7 months from now, but Michael is deploying next year and the thought of being alone, without him, basically being a single mom scares the crap out of me. Luckily, he will only be in Florida, but I kid you not, I've not once, in my life ever been alone. Now that I'm a mom, I have to do this on my own, and having a fear of driving is going to test me. I REALLY need to buckle down and just get in the car and go. I've driven several times, but freaked out part of the time. I can't seem to do it alone. 

I pray these 6 months show me how strong I am, rather than the other way around. I don't know why this anxiety of doing things on my own consumes me so much. I have to do this for my daughter though. If I can't gather the strength for myself, I HAVE to do it for her. She definitely makes me want to better myself. 


I will miss Michael for those 6 months, but maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Maybe this is my chance to "man up" if you will,  and just do this. If I can, I'd also like to start going to church. Just get in the car and go. I think if I can get this done, and prove to myself I can do it, my anxiety and fears would diminish greatly. I mean, if when it comes down to it, I have no option but to do it. 

I cannot go through life living in fear and feeling the dread of not being able to be on my own, or drive a car. I can sit here and say, " I can do this", but I know doing it is the hardest part, and I know there will be good days, and bad days, but I hope I come out of it with a sense of accomplishment. 

I will continue to gather my faith, praise Jesus, and do what I want to do with my life. He, my husband, and my daughter are my motivation.

I've been meaning to write for a couple of days now. I only like to write when I really feel compelled to do so. 

I have been doing a lot of thinking about the past few years. It kind of hit me last night, that I take a lot for granted or maybe just haven't thought about how much the little things mean. I didn't really mean to, but since my first miscarriage in 2007, life has been a blur. I could not see passed the heartbreak, sadness, and anger. 


I'm doing a lot better mentally these days. I try to find the good in everyone and everything. Sometimes that's really hard, but I try. My ppd has diminished greatly, and I can see a lot more clearly now. I wake up happier, I go to sleep happier, I enjoy life a lot more now, and I couldn't ask for anything more. 


Sure, there are hose days where I get stressed, depressed, or consumed with anxiety, but I'm working through it and it's getting better. 


In other news, Nora is 7 months old as of yesterday. She sits up perfectly now, and even crawls... on occasion. She uses her arms to scoot where she wants to go. Babbles all the time. It makes me smile. There is nothing like baby babble =0)


Michael is deploying next year. Thankfully it's after Nora's birthday, so that's a plus. I was worried he wouldn't be home for it. He will also be home in time for the holidays next year. I can't complain. I'm thankful. And luckily this is an easy deployment. It's in Tampa lol. Although, he always has the risk of being sent from Tampa to the sand box, but I try not to think about that. 


Anyways, I've got a baby needing some attention and dinner that needs to be made. Have a great week!

Book Reviews

I think I'm going to start reading more, and doing a book review afterward. I got the book I ordered yesterday.

Holloway's candid story starts out innocently enough as she describes her eccentric family, especially her father, who loved "talking gore" and kept a movie camera in his pick-up for filming gruesome wrecks. Monica, too, has an obsession with death, and revels in her friendship with a mortician's daughter and their access to postmortems. When Monica reaches her teen years, her parents divorce. Her mother then decides it's "her turn," and she goes back to college, often leaving Monica and her next oldest sister alone. Holloway perceptively writes about hurtful moments embedded in her memory, such as her parents repeatedly telling her that her birth was a "mistake," and her mother's selfish refusal to pay for treatment for a kidney infection. The final piece of this dysfunctional family's puzzle falls into place when the oldest sister begins to remember being molested by their father; so, too, does Monica. Amidst a burgeoning number of abuse memoirs, Holloway's shines because of her deft handling of the small details while painstakingly assembling the larger picture.

I started reading it yesterday and so far it's okay. I haven't truly gotten into it just yet, but it sounded like an interesting read. 

October 15th

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I did not create the holiday, but I made an "event" on Facebook. If you'd like to "attend" click on the link and do so. at 7 pm your time, please light a candle in remembrance of these little angels we've lost. Even if you've never lost a child, please attend and light your candle. 


A person is a person, no matter how small - Dr. Suess


click here to visit the event =0)

Yes, it's true, only God can judge me.

I know if a lot of people know this, but if you know ME, then you know I'm somebody who lays it all out on the table. I don't hold back normally, at least not these days. I'm an emotional person, and If I'm happy, sad, or mad, I want the whole damn world to know; that's just me, that's who I am. I think a lot of the people I know think I'm a nut case, but what's wrong with being real? That's who I am, and if you can't accept that, then you don't belong in my life. I'm not changing who I am to be accepted.  

I think I've spent too much of my time and what little energy I already have to please other people. It's true when they say, It's so hard to please other people happy, but it's easy to piss them off. Maybe some of my aspirations in life aren't like yours; maybe some of my priorities in life aren't like yours; maybe my view on certain issues aren't like yours, but does that mean they're wrong? No. It means, I have opinions, and different views on life, but that shouldn't matter.

I spend way too much time worrying about what other people think. I don't even know why. Actually, I do. I think society has taught us that we have to be a size 0, that we have to fit in to a certain crowd, agree with certain opinions, and act a certain way to be accepted. Well, that's not how or who I want to be. 


All I want is to be me; I want friends who accept me for ME; Family who will accept me for ME. I also think that's why so many people deal with social anxiety, or any anxiety for that matter. We are so wrapped up in what other people think. It's sickening. 


Live for you and your family.  They are the only ones that matter.. besides Jesus Christ of course =0)

PPD

I cannot even stress enough how horrible ppd is. It's AWFUL. It's a terrible, dark, mind altering state that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I still think my past losses caused my ppd, but I can't say that for sure. I dealt with depression before I ever got pregnant on and off, and I know women who suffered from depression prior to pregnancy were at risk for developing ppd.

What does this say for future pregnancies though? A lot. I have a 50% chance of getting again if we ever got pregnant in the future. That makes me sad. I mean, I don't plan on getting pregnant for a couple to few years, if ever. Maybe I'm only meant to have one child, but only God knows. All my love and focus is on Nora, and I feel if we had another baby too soon, it would be really hard. Plus, I don't need two in diapers.

Yes, the thought of another baby is nice, but definitely not anytime soon. I have a lot of things to work through still and Nora needs me right now. I don't see how some women TRY to get pregnant only a couple months or so after they give birth. I think that is extremely selfish. You should spend time getting to know the baby you just had, and bonding with them, not making more babies. To me that says, "I'm trying to fill a void". Yes, all children are blessings, but you have free will, I believe you can control conception.

I just feel like I was gypped. I wanted to get pregnant, I wanted my daughter, and I'm so happy I had her, but I did not have that rush of emotions most women get when their child is born. Of course, they had drugged me up with some kind of medication prior to the epidural. Then she had to be in the NICU the first week of her life, which definitely messes with ones emotions. There are so many possibilities as to what caused my ppd. Maybe it was just as simple as "It just happened", who knows.

If god has another baby in store for us, that is fine, but for now we are content. I'm grateful for my daughter, and I don't know where I'd be without her.

It gets better

It's amazing the damage one can do to another, mentally and emotionally. To break somebody down because they are so unhappy; to hurt another person because they are so miserable or selfish. Seeing people I love hurting, hurts me. It's so easy to break a persons spirit, so why do it? Is it because they don't see what they are doing, or because they just don't care? I'll never know.

I wish I could make things better those people. As somebody who dealt with abuse, I can completely relate to the hurt and struggle through everyday life. Even if you don't have contact with that person, the impact they made on your life lives on. It's something that hard to overcome.

I learned something recently; We are completely in control of the people we bring in and around our lives. We have the power to let them hurt us, and the power to kick them to the curb, but it's so much easier said than done. My point is, we can control our happiness. Sometimes that takes a little help, be it therapy, medications, etc, but there is no shame is asking for help. When we're that broken, that tired, that worn down, sometimes we do need help. We're only human, we can only do so much before we break down. The strongest people can't always be on top of their game. 

I can't really indulge what this is about, but I hope if the person I'm writing about reads this, that they know how much I love them, and know it will get better. It has to. 

Hey, I remember you!

So I wanted to talk about my rekindling with god. First, let me start by saying, I'm not the perfect Christian. I'm not, and I'll be the first to admit that I'm not. Of course, I don't know anybody who is. When I was in 4th grade, my aunt passed away from cancer, from there on I told myself, god no longer existed, and from there on out, he didn't. I still prayed to him, but my heart was not in it. Before she passed away, I went to church quite often. It just wasn't the same after she died. Through the years I just couldn't properly give my hear to him, nothing I said or did, worked, and after all the crap I dealt with, I just had no room in my life for him. I blamed him for every bad thing that happened to me. Then I realized, he's not hurting me, the people I surrounded myself around were hurting me, I was putting MYSELF in situations that were hurting me. God would never hurt me. 


I think one question that upsets me now, and I was guilty of asking it; " If there was a god, why does he allow all these bad things to happen to people?" First off, god gave us free will, we are our own worst enemy and if we have put ourselves in the position to get hurt, it's OUR fault. You know the best way to deal with those kinds of situations? Learn from them. That is how it works, we fall of the horse, we get back on. God wants us to make the right decisions. Now, if we're talking about things we simply cannot control, like cancer or something, that's different. God knew before you were even conceived, you would get cancer. He did not just "give" you cancer. Somehow, someway, it happened. Lets say you or somebody you know died from cancer, how do we know dying is such a bad thing? We all look at death in the wrong light, in my opinion. It's terrible for the living, for the ones mourning, because yes, we will miss that person, their physical being is gone, we won't be able to see or touch them anymore, but I believe in heaven, and I cannot imagine heaven being a terrible place. I think another thing that gets me now, is people who try to disprove god exists. Can't FEELING be believing? Is seeing really the only way to prove something is real? Maybe that sounds stupid, but ever since I gave my life back to Christ, my life FEELS fulfilled. My life is different, it just feels different. 


All I know, is that god has given me a second chance. He gave me a wonderful husband, and a miracle named Nora. That is how I know god exists.


By the way, no matter what you believe, if you're agnostic, atheist,  Jewish, Wiccan, w/e, I'm not judging you. I believe in freedom of religion. W/e fulfills your heart, and your life is fine with me =0)

HI!

It's been some time since I last wrote. I've neglected this blog for too long. I need to start updating at least once a week. I know family likes to read it, so I'll try and do a better job at updating. 

Anyways, Nora is now 6 and half months old. WHAT?! Seriously, time is flying. I know the next few will fly by too. She sits up on her own now. Not all the time, because it's still new to her, but she does quite often. She is SOo close to crawling. She gets up on all fours perfectly, then lays on her belly. I know she knows what to do. It's just a matter of time. She says, "Mama ( she said that first ), and for the first time today said Dada. She is so smart.  She is babbling up a storm as of late. I love it. She is becoming her own little person.

As for me, I'm doing okay. I battled REALLY hard with ppd. I still deal with it from time to time, mainly anxiety, but it's getting better. They say the first year of parenthood is the hardest. I've said this many times before, I believe my miscarriages really caused me to have ppd. I was not able to bond with Nora during my pregnancy. It hurts me to say that, but I'm bonding with her more now, and I enjoy it. I love with with all of my heart. I recently found god and I'm devoting my life to Jesus, and with him in my life again, I'd be lost. My husband is as understanding as he can be. I know he doesn't get it, but he tries to. He's an amazing father and I could never ask for anything more.

I'm dealing with a lot of demons from my past, and it's been some challenge to get deal with them. I still have a long ways to go, but I'm trying. I'm really make an effort. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and I think maybe I need to stop and just go with the flow. I definitely think to much and I think that causes me to go into a deep depression. I do want to go to college in the next couple years though. I just want to give my daughter the best life I can. I don't know any mother that doesn't want that for her child. She is my world and I would do anything for her.

Can you all believe it's already October? I sure can't. Where did the year go? I'm ready for the cooler weather, time with family, and food. I love the holidays. I think I'm going to attempt to make fudge this Christmas. I was too tired last Christmas, and I was afraid I'd screw it up. It's not easy to make, and I'm kind of a novice when it comes to baking from scratch, but practice makes perfect I suppose.
Well, time to get ready for bed. Have a great week.