Friday, December 24, 2010

Something has been poking me in the side here lately, and I needed to blog about it.

I am aware that there are thousands if not millions couples who suffer infertility everyday. Infertility can rage from unexplained, to recurrent miscarriages.

Something that always bothered me was, You're only 18,19,20,21 years old, you have plenty of time to have a baby. EH, WRONG! After suffering numerous miscarriages, that proof enough for me that we were on a limited time frame. Or another was, " At least you can get pregnant" What the heck kind of comment is that? At least I can get pregnant? So, you're telling me, well, it's a good thing I got pregnant to lose 5-6 pregnancies? These comments usually came from OTHER women who were having infertility issues. So, you'd think out of everybody these people would be the most sensitive to our situation. Just because we went on to have a healthy baby, doesn't mean that will happen again, or that we won't go on to lose another 5 pregnancies.

In my opinion, while infertility ranges from mild to severe, it doesn't mean one person deserves a baby more than another. I think a lot of women, myself included at one point in time, romanticize what our future children will be like, and we don't ever think about the stuff in between. Why? That's human nature. When we want something, we don't worry about the other stuff.

Nobody is the perfect mom. I don't care who claims to be. I don't care if you cloth diaper, breastfeed, formula feed, make your baby food, wear your baby, WHATEVER. This isn't a contest. This isn't about, " I deserve a baby more than you, because you've already had one baby".

That's what this entry is about. I can tell I've upset some people because I'm pregnant again. Maybe I should be a little more sensitive to those around me, but this is a happy time for me and my family, and most likely our last child. So, we'd like to enjoy it.

We truly were blessed, and we're about to be blessed a second time. I trust God. I trust him with all of my heart. I look to him everywhere I go, to give me the strength to know what I'm doing, to do what I need to do.

I hope in my heart of hearts, that all the women going through infertility, beat it, and go on to have many children. Merry Christmas, and have a very HAPPY New Year.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Christmas spirit

With all the stores and everybody putting up their decor for Christmas, I can't help but get in the Christmas Spirit. I'm such a hypocrite lol. We bought a new tree, because the one we got in base at Aafes in Germany 2 years ago took a crap after only one year. So, Home depot had a tree by Home Accents for 99 bucks! It was originally 140. So, we really got lucky. I bought two 18 piece bulb set for 5 bucks a piece at home depot as well. I got gold and silver. Very pretty. We also bought some gold and red ribbon, an made the tree topper with it. Bought out tree skirt for 10 bucks at Wal-mart.

I went and got my haircut yesterday which I desperately needed. I was hesitant to go to so an expensive place, but I gave it shot, and I think I found "my" stylist. It was 30 for a wash and cut, and she was even nice enough to style it for free. I love it. As soon as you walk in they give you a tour of the place, offer you something cold or hot to drink, and then give you a scalp massage before washing your hair. After I was done, Michael wasn't back from Petsmart just yet and they were about to close, but were nice enough to let me stay until Michael got back. So, I think they've got a loyal customer now.

After that, we took Nora to see Santa at Bass Pro. If you have one in your area, you should go because they give you a FREE 4x6 photo when you see the big guy himself. Nora really liked him, but did not like his "little helpers" and cried immediately after they took the picture. She has the "what the hell look" on her face in her photo lol. It was a fun time though.

Anyways, we had a great day yesterday. We sold our old tree today, and bought what we needed for the cheese ball I'm making for Thanksgiving. It's delish =D

All you need is cream cheese (about 2 boxes of philly cream cheese), chopped green onion, shredded sharp cheddar, and crumbled bacon. crumble some pecans onto wax paper, and roll the ball until covered completely, and enjoy with your favorite cracker. There are no measurements. Add as much as you'd like. You can put anything you want in a cheese ball. When you put the bacon in, make sure to dab all grease off, otherwise it will make your ball runny. Bacon needs to be extra crispy too!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Our Weekend

I haven't really been in on much the last few days.

A lot has gone in the past few days. One is that Nora and I are both sick. First time Nora's been this kind of sick in her life. Her first cold. I haven't been sick in about 2 years or more. I'm just in a funk. I tried to keep her from getting it. Michael even took care of her the past few days, A.  because I needed the break, and B. because I'm sick and I wanted to keep the baby from getting whatever it was I had.

My fil ( Father in law )came to visit which was fun. We all went out to Applebees for Veterans Day. The boys got a free meal which was nice. It was a pretty good meal.

Friday, we went Olive Garden and did some grocery shopping. We got Nora an activity table for Christmas by Fisher Price. It has a telephone, laptop type thing, a book, and a couple other little things to go along with it. That should keep her busy.

Saturday we went to mall. I went into Sears where I nearly threw a fit because they no longer carry "short" or "petite" jeans. It's so hard for me to find jeans because of my stature. I should not have to order my stuff online. I LOVED Kohls, but they also no longer carry short. What a bummer! I also noticed they has already decorated for Christmas. Santa's chair was out and Christmas decor was everywhere. Can we please get through Thanksgiving first? Christmas is so commercialized anymore and I find it extremely annoying. It's not about the toys, or how much money you spend. It's about Jesus Christ, tradition and togetherness. I mean, I LOVE Christmas, but I'd really like to enjoy Thanksgiving too. Anyways, I did find a nice pair of jeans at TJ Maxx for 16 bucks. I love their home decor too. Name brand, normally expensive stuff, for discounted prices; can't beat that.

Today I woke up to find Nora with a very snotty nose. She acts fine. In fact, I don't think she cares much, but I know she's sick. She sounds so congested and her little nose is 10 kinds of runny. I'm so glad my mom got her our Vicks vaporizer. I've been using her bulb syringe and Tylenol too. She seems a little better since this morning. Michael also went out and bought the Ipad today. I sent him out for buns and tampons and he came back with a friggin' Ipad. I wasn't too mad, but I wish we had talked about it a little more. He did say that would be his part of next years tax check. He also never splurges like that, so I couldn't be mad at him. It is actually a nifty "little" gadget. He also let me buy some clothes online. So, I splurged a little too. He's taking me to get my hair dyed and cut Friday. I need it. I need a little pampering once in a while.

Oh, here are a few clothing store I shop at for my clothing. Alloy, Delias, and American Eagle are my favs. Oh, and everything at IS 15 dollars. These are name brand clothing items, brand new. (online)

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Book review

I finished reading "Driving With Dead People" today. It's a memoir by a woman named Monica Holloway.  She talks about her abusive childhood and all of her trials and tribulations in life. From an abusive father, an uncaring, selfish mother whom denied and ignored her husbands abuse towards all the children, all of her relationships, and the twist towards the end involving her sister. Very good book. I give it a 4 out of 5 stars. I only give it 4 because There were a couple times during the book where I got so bored with the rambling and just wanted to skip to the climaxes in the story. Other than that, great book. I would definitely recommend it. I got mine for 1 cent on Amazon. Of course the shipping was 4 dollars. Brand new it would be $10, plus 4 to 5 dollars for shipping. So I think I got a pretty good deal. Used isn't a bad thing.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

The inevitable

Seeing people, even ones I don't know go through a miscarriage is heartbreaking. When I hear about one, it makes me flash back to every single one of my miscarriages and how I felt the moment I found out I was losing a child. It does not get easier with each miscarriage, it makes you numb. Very numb. Unless you've experienced it, it's just not something words can describe. It's something felt. It's an awful, dark, lonely, sad, angry place.

I remember the first time I saw a positive pregnancy test. I was the happiest I'd ever been in my entire life. I'm not even joking. I ran down the hallway to show Michael who was ghost white when I showed him. I was so happy, so enthralled with the thought of becoming a mother, I called and told everybody I knew, I began looking at baby things online, and coming up with baby names. I wasn't even 5 weeks. I miscarried a little over 5 weeks. I will never forget the words that came out of the doctors mouth; so harsh and insensitive, "Yeah, looks like you're losing the baby".  I remember belting out a huge cry, one that could not be controlled. I lay there on a hospital bed, with an contraptions all over, an ultrasound machine that was on, but showed nothing. I just couldn't understand. I asked God why he allowed this to happen. I went home that night knowing I had lost a child. It was the awful.

My second pregnancy turned into a cycle only a day after testing positive, so I didn't work myself up over it as much.

When I had my third miscarriage, I just flipped. I was so tired of it. I was tired of these "doctors" letting this happen. I knew something was wrong with me, preventing me from having a normal pregnancy. I just broke down on the hospital bed. I screamed, I cried, I was so mad. I remember the nurse who checked us in came in to check on me, just on her own, out of concern. I told her what happened with tears running down my face. She wrapped her arms around me and just held me. Here is this woman who barely knows me, holding me, comforting me. I meant a lot, but now means so much more. That hug from her really did a lot for me. I can't even explain it. A simple hug did so much. When we went to the ultrasound room to confirm what we already knew, we found out we were probably pregnant with twins. One outside the womb and the other, not even big enough to measure, no heartbeat, nothing. I was so hurt. We already KNEW I was miscarrying, why they had to make it hurt even more by showing me an empty screen, was beyond me.

I hate thinking about the past. I hate reliving the losses I had. I don't dwell on it anymore, but of course I still think about all 5 of my babies, and I will always hold a place for them in my heart.

Hearing about all these other mommies losing their babies, just brought me back. I remember every bit of hurt, the holes left in my heart. I just wanted to say, it does get better with time. It really does. After my 5th miscarriage, I basically just threw my hands in the air and told god to take control, because obviously I had none.  After that, I became pregnant with Nora. He gave me the miracle I longed for. I am so grateful.

Remember to take time to yourself, remember the ones who love you, and remember GOD above all else loves you.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

I'm Not Super Woman

I seriously want to break down and cry. I love being a mom, and I love being a wife, but I rarely get a break. I cannot do everything on my own. I just can't. I try really hard to please everybody. I'm in mommy mode 24/7 and I don't believe it's healthy to be around your child all the time. A mother needs time to herself as well.

Michael, and I'm sure some other people would say different. I know Michael would. I'm sorry, but you go to work 5 days a week, and get paid for doing your job. I work 7 days a week, 24/7, 365. When the heck do I get to sick down and take a break?

Oh, I have a MASSIVE kidney infection that I let go too long, so now my kidneys are probably damaged. You know why I didn't go to the doctor? A: Because I felt like I am an inconvenience, and B, because I have a baby to take care of. I put myself last all the time. I either put myself last or without, and honestly, I don't mind, but sometimes I want something in return. Be it a whole day to myself just to relax, read a book, or nap. SOMETHING! 

I swear, I don't ask for anything. I always put everybody ahead of myself because I like to make my family happy. I do it, because if I don't, then I feel awful and selfish. I don't even like to complain about it. I feel this is what's expected of me. I'll admit I'm not the most organized person in the world. I try though, having a billion things to juggle at once is hard.

I'm thinking of making a schedule and putting it on the wall somehwere in the kitchen. Doing the laundry one day, the living room the next, and so on. I think if I just had a balanced daily schedule, I could accomplish a lot more and feel less overwhelmed. Though that does not substitute 'me' time. 

I don't want it to sound like Michael is a bad father or husband, because he isn't, but he doesn't realize being a SAHM is more than it seems. And that goes to all moms and dads who work outside the home. Being a SAHM doesn't mean just sitting around and doing nothing. Some days, may be lazy ( at least for me ) but most days, it's cleaning, cooking, playing, and tending to our childs/rens beck and call. 

I also realize I'm not the only mother who goes through this, but I'm one of those women who talk about it, and to let them know they are not alone. I'm a complainer, but I'm real. That's who I am; take it or leave it.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

It's Easier Said Than Done

I know it's 7 months from now, but Michael is deploying next year and the thought of being alone, without him, basically being a single mom scares the crap out of me. Luckily, he will only be in Florida, but I kid you not, I've not once, in my life ever been alone. Now that I'm a mom, I have to do this on my own, and having a fear of driving is going to test me. I REALLY need to buckle down and just get in the car and go. I've driven several times, but freaked out part of the time. I can't seem to do it alone. 

I pray these 6 months show me how strong I am, rather than the other way around. I don't know why this anxiety of doing things on my own consumes me so much. I have to do this for my daughter though. If I can't gather the strength for myself, I HAVE to do it for her. She definitely makes me want to better myself. 

I will miss Michael for those 6 months, but maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Maybe this is my chance to "man up" if you will,  and just do this. If I can, I'd also like to start going to church. Just get in the car and go. I think if I can get this done, and prove to myself I can do it, my anxiety and fears would diminish greatly. I mean, if when it comes down to it, I have no option but to do it. 

I cannot go through life living in fear and feeling the dread of not being able to be on my own, or drive a car. I can sit here and say, " I can do this", but I know doing it is the hardest part, and I know there will be good days, and bad days, but I hope I come out of it with a sense of accomplishment. 

I will continue to gather my faith, praise Jesus, and do what I want to do with my life. He, my husband, and my daughter are my motivation.