Tuesday, October 5, 2010


I cannot even stress enough how horrible ppd is. It's AWFUL. It's a terrible, dark, mind altering state that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I still think my past losses caused my ppd, but I can't say that for sure. I dealt with depression before I ever got pregnant on and off, and I know women who suffered from depression prior to pregnancy were at risk for developing ppd.

What does this say for future pregnancies though? A lot. I have a 50% chance of getting again if we ever got pregnant in the future. That makes me sad. I mean, I don't plan on getting pregnant for a couple to few years, if ever. Maybe I'm only meant to have one child, but only God knows. All my love and focus is on Nora, and I feel if we had another baby too soon, it would be really hard. Plus, I don't need two in diapers.

Yes, the thought of another baby is nice, but definitely not anytime soon. I have a lot of things to work through still and Nora needs me right now. I don't see how some women TRY to get pregnant only a couple months or so after they give birth. I think that is extremely selfish. You should spend time getting to know the baby you just had, and bonding with them, not making more babies. To me that says, "I'm trying to fill a void". Yes, all children are blessings, but you have free will, I believe you can control conception.

I just feel like I was gypped. I wanted to get pregnant, I wanted my daughter, and I'm so happy I had her, but I did not have that rush of emotions most women get when their child is born. Of course, they had drugged me up with some kind of medication prior to the epidural. Then she had to be in the NICU the first week of her life, which definitely messes with ones emotions. There are so many possibilities as to what caused my ppd. Maybe it was just as simple as "It just happened", who knows.

If god has another baby in store for us, that is fine, but for now we are content. I'm grateful for my daughter, and I don't know where I'd be without her.


  1. Hi! I am Chelsi's Friend with the Letters.

    I too suffered from PPD with my first. I had a C/S and after he was cut from me they took him to the table and he wasn't crying... not bc he was unhealthy, but bc he was perfect. On the way to that table he looked deep into me. I felt nothing and to feel nothing after 10months of yearning for him was the emptiest, numbing, worst feeling I have ever felt. I felt this way for months and months while my husband was on his short tour in Korea. When we moved to Germany (7mo later) I was learning to heal from my PPD. I never seeked help and dealt with it all by myself. At 20 mo I watched my little guy sleep and I started sobbing... at that moment I fell in love with him. 20 months! Really? I couldn't help but think about all of that time lost and I hate that I still feel so guilty for it. I struggle every day and fight not to let that eat me alive. I know that I am a strong mom and I waited to have a second baby for when I was ready. I needed to make sure that I could survive through the 10mo of pure bliss I get from pregnancy, and if it was to fall apart at the end I wanted to know that I could deal with it again. I did... I tried for a VBAC and I failed, They made me have another C/S... but this time I CALLED THE SHOTS. I heard her cry and every one laughed bc the first thing she did was poop. I hold on to the funny moments bc I didn't get to see her for over 10 min. 10 MIN!!! I got to bond with her for the days following in the hospital while my husband was home with my sick 3y/o and mother in law. I wouldn't have had it any other way. I loved getting that time with my Daughter! I needed it... and in turn my love for my son grew stronger and stronger. I still suffer from PPD but I think this time around I was ready and knew what to look for, so did my husband who has helped me every step of the way.

    You can win! The point of me telling you my story is so that you know that you are not alone and that you can have more kids if it is meant to be. Even if the events don't go the right way... even if (HEAVEN FORBID) you develop PPD again, you are prepared for the worst, you have lived it, and you will win!

    Your daughter is beautiful by the way!

    Good luck and you are in my prayers :) It does get better, I promise! Thank you for posting this, it will help a lot of mothers heal knowing that they are not alone.

  2. Kristen, thank you so much for sharing this with me. I felt like so a bad mom for not being able to bond with Nora the way I wanted to. I know it's not my fault, and I know if I could change it I would. I think society has embedded in our minds that there is only one way to love, and it must be done in that order. Thanks for sharing. It really makes me feel better and gives me hope!

    And thank you, your little ones are precious too. How old is Xoe now? Last time I saw you, you were about 15 weeks preggers.

  3. Xoe will be a year on SUNDAY!!! AHHH! Time goes by way to fast especially since Xoe is our last :( 2 is enough. I don't need to populate the earth anymore than it already is and I can't go through another pregnancy just to be cut open again. I would rather be sad about not having a third. At least then I can remind myself that they will someday be 2y/o and then I feel better LOL 2 and 3 y/o's are the devil.