Tuesday, October 5, 2010
I cannot even stress enough how horrible ppd is. It's AWFUL. It's a terrible, dark, mind altering state that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I still think my past losses caused my ppd, but I can't say that for sure. I dealt with depression before I ever got pregnant on and off, and I know women who suffered from depression prior to pregnancy were at risk for developing ppd.
What does this say for future pregnancies though? A lot. I have a 50% chance of getting again if we ever got pregnant in the future. That makes me sad. I mean, I don't plan on getting pregnant for a couple to few years, if ever. Maybe I'm only meant to have one child, but only God knows. All my love and focus is on Nora, and I feel if we had another baby too soon, it would be really hard. Plus, I don't need two in diapers.
Yes, the thought of another baby is nice, but definitely not anytime soon. I have a lot of things to work through still and Nora needs me right now. I don't see how some women TRY to get pregnant only a couple months or so after they give birth. I think that is extremely selfish. You should spend time getting to know the baby you just had, and bonding with them, not making more babies. To me that says, "I'm trying to fill a void". Yes, all children are blessings, but you have free will, I believe you can control conception.
I just feel like I was gypped. I wanted to get pregnant, I wanted my daughter, and I'm so happy I had her, but I did not have that rush of emotions most women get when their child is born. Of course, they had drugged me up with some kind of medication prior to the epidural. Then she had to be in the NICU the first week of her life, which definitely messes with ones emotions. There are so many possibilities as to what caused my ppd. Maybe it was just as simple as "It just happened", who knows.
If god has another baby in store for us, that is fine, but for now we are content. I'm grateful for my daughter, and I don't know where I'd be without her.